Wednesday 30 December 2015

New Years Eve of Destruction

I'll get in early with a Happy New Year for the morrow.

I don't think New Years resolutions are for me, they become just another stick to beat up on myself. However I am hoping that 2016 will be a better year.  I've still got my 50th birthday outing with work colleagues c/f from 2014 and I hope that i'll be able to do that in May this coming year.

On the listening front as we step into the new year, I'm still behind the times and listening to CD's whilst dabbling with amazon prime music.  The car is currently seeing me shift between Frank Turner ( Positive songs for negative people ) , David Bowie ( at the Beeb ) , Public Service Broadcasting ( The Race into Space ) , God speed you! Black Emperor ( Asunder, sweet and other distress ) ,  Sex Pistols ( Never mind the bollocks ) and the MOJO punk CD this month.

Thanks to all my friends for being the best you can be in 2015, heres hoping for adventures in living in 2016 and the return of my Mojo.

Twelve Symptoms #3

I'm a bit tardy with this series, sorry.  I do find a schedule hard to keep at the moment.

#3 ~~ Rapid Speech & Overspeaking

This is one that I'm normally very unaware of unless someone points it out to me.  I apologised to a colleague at work on my recent return as I was aware in a number of meetings I had spoken overtop of him and it had caused some friction at the time.

The rapid speech often means that the conversation is meandering though fast and may not reach a logical conclusion, a bit like knowing what you want to say at the beginning but then the speech being distracted and shooting off at tangents.

I guess this symptom lays with the general symptoms associated with a rapid burst of energy when having a manic or euphoric episode.  This rapid speech is I believe also associated with an over estimation of ones ability and a likeliness to take on more tasks than youn can handle, basically holding your hand up for every volunteered action etc etc.

next #4 -- Racing Thoughts

Friday 25 December 2015

Happy Xmas, War isn't Over !

So, what to write on Christmas Day. In some ways the oddest day of our year.  We have the stark contrast of pictures of piles and piles of presents, of war torn regions and of those who are perhaps homeless in our western countries.

Of course, the reasons for all of these scenarios are many and complex and it can often feel like  we can't do anything to affect this world with all it's discrepancies between have and have nots, between religions and between economies.

I have been advised, with my condition at times this year, to avoid the news which causes all sorts of conflicting emotions.  First world problems that I suffer pale with the refugees fleeing war torn regions.

I wonder if there is a simple thing amongst all the hate, trolling, warmongering, greed, narcissism, etc etc.  That if the horrid things that surround us are perpetrated by a monority as is often whats suggested, surely if the majority of us are the best people we can be at any point in time  ( we all come with our challenges ), then surely the world must be on balance a better place for that.

Peace ..............

Tony

Wednesday 23 December 2015

Twelve Symptoms #2

I haven't had this hypomania for some time now, since I went back to work on my phased return I have been in a depressive plateau and haven't really had an overpowering episode of hypomania since October.  My problem/issue with hypomania is that I generally don't spot it in myself, it will overtake me and I will find myself buying lots of stuff online, not expensive things, but in volume a lot of small things, I find myself oversharing and overtalking people, I find myself suddenly compulsed to organise every social thing under the sun .......... theres other misc. outcomes along the same lines but what follows if this is not checked is the crash after the burn.

There may even be heightened senses of achievement which is in exact opposite to my depressive and anxietally driven belief that i'm absolute rubbish at my job/role/thing im doing.  Some people have said that they feel unstoppable, I dont think I have felt unstoppable but I have possibly become dynamically overproductive for these short hypomania driven bursts.

The crash that has followed has often seen me initially irritable and then low mood, anxietal prickly skin all over ....... etc



Im sure my experience is my experience and its possibly a lot different for other folks.



I would add that today,christmas eve eve 23rd December I'm feeling very mildly optimistic after a number of relatively good days.  Which is a nice basis for hopefully a reasonable christmas holiday.  x

Sunday 20 December 2015

The Twelve Symptoms of Christmas

I had my mental health review this last week.  My meds were altered in the hope that will unlock my intellect for the workplace, reducing my mood stabiliser by 50mg.  Quetiapine.

I think I have written before how having gone back to work I feel muddled when it comes to my intellect and workplace skills.  Bereft of a lot of them.

However, what I want to write about here over Christmas is the 12 symptoms of BiPolar that Im aware of and I wanted to reflect after my review simply on what that means for me and many others and where Christmas might be a challenge.  I dont want to come across all whingey as this feels as ever, like first world problems, but to just share some additional awareness.  Also I can write this and point my Mum and Dad at the blog as our face to face conversations can be awkward.  

The 1st:  Mood Swings ~ Manic and Depressive

Im plateau in a low-ish mood at the moment and so Im experiecing a level of Depression having previously been Manic about 6-7 weeks back.  Im not getting the heightened mood ( Hypomania ) at all at the moment, work seems to have dipped me down below the mood I had at home before my latest return. Christmas is interesting as there is less of a chance to hide away at this time of year and navigating the condition means you need to pick when and where to expose yourself.  I think its worth saying im Type II which is I think, where I have more Depressive episodes than Hypomania episodes.  I think for example Type I is what Stephen Fry navigates.

 A mood swing is characterized by high levels of positivity followed by high levels of negativity and depression or vice versa. Manic periods can last anywhere from a few days to a few months, as can their depressive counterparts.


Wednesday 16 December 2015

Repeat Forever ........................

Repeat Forever

Inspect and Adapt
Will cover any mishap
Learning as we go
Will cope with any skid row
Innovation and Surprises
Will inevitably supersize us
Our own self perception
Though will make a correction
We are our own Insurrection
Doubting our ability
This business of Agility
Anxiety and Fragility
Repeat forever.

Performance Management
Workplace Disenfranchant
Displaced from our ability
Working through futility
This business of Agility
Anxiety and Fragility
Repeat forever.

Feeling like a Dinosaur
Workplace process whore
A moments misplaced confidence
Falling at the final fence
This business of Agility
Anxiety and Fragility
Repeat forever.

A brain that doesn’t work anymore
Socratic analysis I can’t clutch the words
A brain that just seems switched off
After 50 years this seems absurd
Caught in my own office oddity
Intellect a missing commodity
Repeat forever.



written during lunch at work today, low mood and anxiety still coming in waves .......... not really sure what I'm trying to say but probably that I miss my 'headspace' working well and working for me ............

Tuesday 8 December 2015

Are the Abilities still there?

I find myself completely lacking the talent for Socratic questioning at the moment, that disciplined questioning that professionals/scrum masters use to persue thought in multiple directions and for multiple purposes, including exploring complex ideas, to get to the centre of the thing and open up and resolve issues with the a team.  My muggy muddled head can’t seem to open up issues and problems, analyse concepts as I once could.  My mood since being back at work has dipped to a mild depressive state.  My mood was better before my return to work.

I think I still get the rules and spirit of Scrum/my role but I don’t feel I have that intellectual capacity to remove the impediments for the Team / Product Owner and I don’t believe in my own expertise and so making my own expertise and experience available feels like opening up vulnerability.  I don’t feel robust and resilient and my mood has dipped since my return to work.  I will keep trying to navigate my BiPolar on this phased return to work though ……………..


I don’t feel that I’m the man I was intellectually ???

Thursday 3 December 2015

It feels
It feels slight
It feels slightly 
Life passes
Life passes by
Life passes by me
Mood low
Plateau
Low and level
Anxiety as a bevel
Looking dishevelled
It feels dark and dank
Deep cut by canyons of angst
No decline but no growth
Hard to measure progress
Feels like teetering on regress
Mood low
Plateau
Low just Low
Anxiety on show
Nowhere to go
It feels
It feels like
It feels likely
It feels likely Im Stuck
In a Rut
Wheres my Strut
Wheres my Strength
Wheres my Vigour
Wheres my Verve
Mood Low
Plateau

- Tony 'not sure this has any sense to it' Its a rumination on my return to work, that I felt like I was ready but I cant get out of the lower gear and make progress in the workplace. Mood lower than before I returned to work, mild depression, plateau but not severe depression. But the plateau means that Im not feeling the man I was and that I dont feel the equal of what I once was interlectually !!!

Wednesday 2 December 2015

Everybody

Everybody keeps telling me how well I'm doing.  Everybody keeps telling me that I'm doing well.  I don't feel that way though.  

I just feel like Im not the man I was, Im trying at work, I really am but I dont feel I have the analysis, decision making and skills that I once had ............. It feels like Im less than I need to be, subsequently some days even though things I think are more stable I feel over whelmed with anxiety.  I felt better before I was back at work, I thought I was better than I am I guess.
I just wish I was more than I am.

Tuesday 20 October 2015

Albums that have influenced and made a mark on you ..........

A change from blog posts on Mental Health.

***NEW THING***ALBUMS FROM YOUR TEENS TO TODAY***Provide an album a year from when you hit 13 years old and explain what it meant THEN and relisten and see what you feel now .....
1976:13 years old: RAMONES by RAMONES: THEN ~~ I was listening to John Peel and this was the 3rd ever album I bought. Prior to this I had a Wombles album & Desolation Boulevard by the Sweet. This album seemed essential, energetic, full of what were though 3 chord wonders really hooky tracks. I played it an awful lot then and I moved from the Ramones to the UK Punk/New Wave scene for my musical education though friends were trying to get me into Prog. The stand out track for me was 'Blitzkreig Bop' and Im sure the album annoyed my Mum & Dads country & western tastes. Funny that Spewtum have never covered a Ramones track. NOW ~~ On relisten this album really stands the test of time, if anything the only thing is that I can now spot 2/3 tracks that were fillers though nearly 40 years ago it felt like there was no filler, all thrillers ............. next: 1977 

***NEW#2***ALBUMS FROM YOUR TEENS TO TODAY***Provide an album from when you were 14 years old and explain what it meant THEN and relisten and see what you feel now .....
1977:14 years old: So, I'm guessing most people will pick the Sex Pistols and NMTB from 1977, however I maintain that there was an album that I bought at Bowers & Barr with my school dinner monies that eclipsed that and laid the foundations for a band you can't help but admire. THE CLASH:THE CLASH. How could you fail to love an album that contains 'Janie Jones','White Riot','Garageland' & the change of direction of 'Police & Thieves', there was something about this band and there was better to come from them ........ on re-listen, though I have relistened many times it stands the test of time, it's fresh, it's varied and most of all, it's lyrically top notch all the way through. Joe was a genius .......... next: 1978


Friday 16 October 2015

...Rolling News...

Well, I had Hypnotherapy for Anxiety for the first time yesterday, but thats a story for another blog as I don't think I have enough to comment on as yet.  First session was half consultation & history, half short Hypnotherapy session.  Im not even sure if I was in a trance or just relaxed?

During the consultation I did mention that I get unnerved by watching the TV News, that I feel I shouldn't be/feel ill when there is so much worse stuff happening in the world.  I find the TV News can really alter my mood/anxiety if I'm struck with the unfairness of it all /or/ overwhelmed by the idioacy of decisions made in government.  Generally i know I can't influence much though I do supprot some of the 38 Degree campaigns as it feels like I'm engaging that way.  The Hypnotherapist/Counsellor, though, said 'Don't watch it, if it makes you feel bad, don't watch it'.  That feels like a cop out for me, that feels like, let the world sort itself out, you've got enough on without worrying about others, but I want to ensure that I treat others well.  I guess it's a juxtaposition for me.

Another friend of many years, high lighted her thoughts on some of my recent ruminations.  She also said she rarely watches the news as knowing there is sh1t in the world does neither her not them any good.  Shes chooses to focus on what she can influence and change, that's mainly herself.  She then feels that having the energy to live the life she wants to can benefit others and not just herself.  She feels being a point of positivity does actually benefit the world.  I'm far detached from being able to practically do this though.

For me, it feels like I'm making excuses for not engaging with the world if I avoid things like discussing the news, entering into political debate etc etc  My friend, who is a long standing Life Coach challenges me , as does my talking therapist.  Whom am I making excuses to?  Feels selfish but even though Im living in an a word where Im interconnecteed with all that exists I cant be responsible for it all ....... self preservation is key I guess to me making any positive influence on the world.

Joining forces with forces for positivity can make the world a better place, joining forces ( as I am currently ) with those in fear just adds to the fear.  I need to focus on what I can change, bur still have compassion for others but not believe its my pain to bear.

Does that make sense, thanks to LP, x

Tuesday 13 October 2015

The Sleep of Reason ........


We all know we need sleep, but I'm beginning to realise I really really need sleep, in order to stay normothymic with my BiPolar I need to adopt really good sleep hygiene and some days are better than others because of this ( along with many other factors ).

Good sleep hygiene means things like:-
If you wake up in the night, get up, dont fight it, give in for a while & then try again ..... dont use lit screens or watch tv when you wake up, by all means read or listen to something but dont watch.  Well thats what appears on balance to work for me.
Stimulants and Sedatives will it seems affect high and low mood.  This actually makes sense if you think about it, you are pushing for waking hours or you are pushing for sleeping hours, however there is a place for these in extreme or neccesary circumstances but good sleep hygiene I feel means coming off coffee, tea prior to the evening and it sedatives are PNR ( when required ) when really needed though maintenance meds have some sedative qualities as well.

There is an adage and to be honest its too early for me to see this for myself, when your medication is right your sleep is right, when your medication is wrong yada yada ..... guess that makes sense but at the moment I'm probably personally seeing too much variation from this.  I have read this is to do with sympathetic and parasympathetic systems within the brain ....... good leads to better, bad leads to worse, we end up in cycles of no sleep because we have bad sleep hygiene, it gets a grip and cycles.

Hope above all makes some sort of sense

Tony x

Friday 9 October 2015

World Mental Health Day today

http://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/our-work/world-mental-health-day/world-mental-health-day-2015

'One in four adults and one in ten children are likely to have a mental health problem in any given year. This can have a profound impact on the lives of tens of millions of people in the UK, and can affect their ability to sustain relationships, work, or just get through the day.

But an ill-informed and damaging attitude among some people exists around mental health that can make it difficult for some to seek help. It is estimated that only about a quarter of people with a mental health problem in the UK receive ongoing treatment, leaving the majority of people grappling with mental health issues on their own, seeking help or information, and dependent on the informal support of family, friends or colleagues.' - WMHO

Thursday 8 October 2015

Learning to Navigate

soooo..... I'm learning to navigate this condition, currently without work in the mix, however it is always one step at a time.  Feel quite good today so thought I would share what I think thus far.

I have to have some rules in place, Im thinking that I need to be firm with myself Sunday-Thursday with these rules but perhaps lay off them a bit Friday / Saturday ... some of the rules being
no Alchohol
no Caffeine after 6pm
any negative thoughts need application of Mindfulness
if buzzing starts ..... need to reign in and consider PCR Med
write down any scary ruminations, deal at weekend with that thinking --> solution
walks thrice a day, Mindfully
if oversharing starts ..... ned to write down what it is and why? I feel I need to share
ensure Carol knows not to reason with me when I'm being unreasonable, just park it
do not judge self, park it
if you lose to the condition, dont lose the lesson learnt in that
     ~ come back stronger next time
remember I'm entitled to happiness, it's not selfish though thats the rumination at work
no late nights during week
eat slowly, chew every mouthful
keep in touch with friends, arrange this for 2/3 times in the week
avoid 'junk food' for the mind, avoid news during the week :(
take care with finances, dont spend impulsively

It seems you can’t be mentally healthy if you’re not sleeping enough or without interruptions. Regular daily routine will help this and I need to target staying normothymic.  Remember good sleep hygiene.  If wake up, get up, dont use lit screens in night, go back to bed when tired.  Keep same waking time.  Evening tiredness should not lead to taking stimulants.

Stimulants and sedatives will affect my highs and lows, affecting my mechanisms that are responsible for maintaining my normal mood.  In particular coffee negatively affects the balance between the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems, something which is essential to my mental health.  Hence evening rule on caffiene is important regardless of tiredness.

Stability = Hopefully if my sleep is regular, indicates that my medication is right for me

Exercise has to become more and more important so that I build up a regular exercise regime

I appreciate that I'm not going to get this all running immediately but the above along with    Therapy   ,   GP review    ,    Psych review    appear to be my main targets at the moment.



hope that makes sense,   Tony

Tuesday 6 October 2015

Up Up & Whoah!

Well this week has been odd but actually feels like things are moving in the right direction.  Up to and into the weekend I was low and anxious to some degree and occasionally overwhelming however it has subsided.
Then as I keep to the approach that I need to and progressing my medication to 6* what it was, im 2/3 of the way there Im trying to grasp hopefulness as I did 5-6 weeks ago.

Carol has pointed out to me that I was getting manic over the last 2 evenings and Its been key to try and keep that mania in check, taking PSR meds alongside my others and trying to identify the mania and just try and find a level ..... this is new to me because I havent been aware of the mania side properly before and my diagnosis now paints that as key alongside the depression.

Im not BiPolar ,I have BiPolar, type2 (mixed) and the approach appears different than when the diagnosis was Cyclythymia.  In a way Im now not going to get over this BUT learn how to navigate this in my life as well as medicate to find an optimal level of being.   Keeping my mood diary opens up my eyes on my navigation of this alongside all the other levers Im trying to pull ....... Its exhausting when the Anxiety is overwhelming /or/ its equally exhausting to some degree when you are trying to navigate your life.     With stability hopefully I will relapse less and find my way.

A man called Toby Allen portrays BiPolar with some interesting words

~ http://metro.co.uk/2015/09/02/artist-imagines-what-mental-illnesses-would-look-like-as-cartoon-monsters-5372848/

https://metrouk2.files.wordpress.com/2015/09/pic6.jpg?quality=80&strip=all&strip=all

Friday 2 October 2015

....meanwhile....

Some folks have asked me why haven't I blogged recently after the hope and the progress.  Well that's been the issue, I returned to work and it didn't quite work out how I had hoped.

I've been less communicative and suffered a huge bout of lethargy alongside the depression and anxiety, also after I had my blip into overwhelming anxiety after my 2nd 2 hours !!!!!! at work, then I had an appointment with a psychiatrist from out of the blue.  This resulted in a diagnosis a notch up from where I had thus far and changes to Meds, its took the wind out of my sails that i previously had and has probably ramped up the stress fro my wife as I really plummeted ...... Im unsure what to say at the moment as obviously my Therapists, GP, Psychiatrist and MHN are spinning this as good news / progress in and off itself but Im struggling to see it from their view point still at the moment.

I'm about 50% into the uplift in my medications and I do think I have made some limited progress, robustness and resilience is possibly a different matter entirely as I sunk into rumination very quickly last time around.

I guess this isn't really helping folks who have been talking to me as I think on the return to work days I had some pretty productive conversations with folks, then it all just slipped away.

It appears that a fragility exists with this that existed beyond what I expected. Oh and the diagnosis is BiPolar type 2 (mixed) and I sort of get it but I dont get it, Im getting there ......... I have found it harder to communicate to folks recently and that included having to try and keep my head whilst at a wedding half way across the world.

I hope this answers the query, but Im aware its disjointed.    T x

Tuesday 25 August 2015

Now

One aspect of my mental health journey has been my battle with some of the skills, some of the tools that professionals and therapists equip us with for our toolbox when suffering.
In the midst of low mood, high anxiety and occasional manic periods, I have kept the routine of mindfulness (meditation) going but I have felt often that I have got very little from it, made very little progress, seen only brief escape from the melting pit of my anxietal thoughts.  At times it felt torturous, it felt boring but it was a routine I kept to.  You look into your mind and it's not a great place, teh distractions from peace, from the breath are many.  My head is clogged with overthinking and negative predictions and the mindfulness wasn't helping.
However, as I recover and I think that's the stage I'm in now I can see the benefits of this toolset, I can see that even when I'm not in the mood, which is normally the case, it is a good thing to do.  With PT you see the effects of your gym work but with Mindfulness it's not so obvious. However, I'm beginning to think that I'm buiding up a part of my brain that I hope will mean that rather than ruminate, eventually the normality will be to ignore the negative thoughts, paying attention to the breath and the positive rather then being hauled off to some awful future or enlarged guilt that the mind seduces me to follow rather than the 'now', the safety of the 'now'.
I'm sort of beginning to understand that if you want peace then sometimes you need to think that there is only 'now' at those times and that 'now' is a safe place to be.
It's not a be all and end all cure, it's a tool, it's something that appears to work under the right circumstances.  It's worth persevering with.

Friday 14 August 2015

The City that never sleeps. The Mind that never sleeps .....

The City that never sleeps

There is a saying that New York is the city that never sleeps and it's probably a fair saying at that.  I'm 2 weeks into 3 weeks in the USA visiting my new Grandaughter with a 2 night trip to New York in the middle. 

New York reminded me of Tunisia and Morocco and Sri Lanka in the sense that my anxiety was perked by the street sellers and constant offers of entertainment in some form for tips.  I have a problem in that I don't like to say 'No' as I see these people as more needy than me and therefore I have come away with 2 comedy tickets I didn't even use and 3 reggae/raga CDs I didn't want.  The CDs could contain anything or nothing.   

I'm not moaning, just observing that the constant bombardment of this nature was another trigger for anxiety and it would have been hard to enjoy New York without exposing yourself to this, to see the buzzy areas like Times Square without walking through this melee.  My mood has improved steadily whilst I have been in the USA, my son and his wife have been fantastic hosts and I have been able to trade them Grandads belly for some sleep, Grandaughter neatly sleeping on natures aged pillow.  

Though with my mood which I have been asked to score improving I was thinking that I haven't been asked to score my anxiety, that has really only been evidenced back to my GP and case worker by diarising my feelings and experience alongside scoring my mood daily.  As on the bipolar scale they are looking at the lows and the elation, Wellers 'ever changing moods'.  Throughout this I have found that my triggers for anxiety have not been simple, oh for that to be the case, so I'm perplexed weekly when reflecting on that anxiety because ultimately it never makes sense, it never adds up, my mood is better yet there is still some degree of fragility there mentally.  Soooo though I'm hopeful I'm still also nervous still about the road to recovery as I know I need to transition from some of the acute medications in order to, for instance, perform a working day.  

I would really like the chance of the Psychiatrist appointment that I'm on the wait for before a return to work but I really don't know how the timings are going to work,  I'm still pushing forward with talking therapy, CBT and Mindfulness and as I've said before I understand the science I can't always make it work for me though one thing that has been good recently has been a Gratefulness diary, just once a week, a really positive reflection, no shoulds or wouldst just dids and thanks for others.  

This has as usual been a ramble and though I don't really understand things any better than I did  10-12 weeks ago I know I'm in a better place, the mood improvements mean though the anxiety can still be exhausting the better mood and I guess Meds/ Therapy mean that I'm moving forwards and that means continued hope amongst any confusion in my head.  

Thanks for listening once again AND for those who want me to sort that Spewtum CD stuff out, I know I will soon-ish.   

Friday 7 August 2015

Just a short note to say that I had a good call with my UK talking therapist from USA this morning, my mood is good so hopefully when home from USA I can begin to make plans for a return to work.  I will need to get off the Tranq drugs though.

Though my mood is good my anxiety is still up and down but it is better.  I'm due to do my CBT scores in the next few days so hopefully they will perk up.

Again thanks to all my suppor, I appreciate it.  I'm still awaiting dates for some NHS appointments but I guess they will continue even if I'm improved to make sure I have a spot on diagnosis.

Decision making is an odd one at the moment as I'm beginning to be able to make them though I doubt them later,  I'm hoping this continues over next few weeks.   It's odd because it's not just work decisions and analysis that I struggle with its decisions regarding even what to try and chill to, the whole gamut of deciding anything from small scale to far wider reaching stuff.

I'll continue one day at a time.  Missing lil Oscar back home but Felicity is a tonic.  

Peace

Tuesday 4 August 2015

Too Much Information

Blog

1 in 4.  That's the statistic that's thrown about.   About 1 in 4 of your family, friends, colleagues will suffer an episode of acute mental health in their lifetime.   So this will touch everyone even if you are unaware of say a friend who is under the black dog or full of overwhelming anxiety etc etc.   

Some folks will have an ongoing battle with their mental health and will experience multiple episodes, they will feel weak and fragile and oft embarrassed.  They may look like they are not making the efforts to socialise, contribute but underneath they will be fighting believe me.  Battling their own challenges in myriad ways.

One of the things that has become apparent is that if you can't see an episode off at the pass so to speak, in the early weeks engaging with therapy or self help can and often will prove difficult.  I asked Ruby Wax, as she waxes lyrical about the benefits of Mindfulness regards mental health how she manages to engage with Mindfulness and therapies when overwhelmed by Depression and Anxiety and she responded that at that time you need to seek your GP and medication.

Until recently all my interventions had been medication from my GP and my Mental Health case worker,  though there had been dialogue with the MHN and GP the medication interventions were and to some degree are still acute.   Now this left me frustrated and as I really want to get better I sought through therapies I had used before to seek self help with CBT and Mindfulness.   Talking Therapists didn't really want to engage whilst I was trying to access the NHS Psychiatric services as they felt I needed long term therapy due to the episodes repeating themselves.  

Frustrated that CBT and Mindfulness were not giving me progress alongside my medication In my keenness to get better, run before I can walk, I sought out advice from friends and forums etc.  some friends reached out to me which was wonderful as well, helped the dim hope in me at the time.  So ...... Now I have finished reading the Steve Peters book 'The Chimp Paradox'.  Fascinating approach.  It seems that a lot of mind management models seek to reframe the cognitive processes in some way.   Prof Peters approach is a Do Something approach.  Intervene with the Chimp.  CBT appears to be a ReWiring approach.   Three Principles of mindconsciousness  & thought is a Do Nothing approach.  Has all left me a tad confused though hopeful that something will work longer term.  I guess I have to find what works for my head / my mind.   I dont know if your personality dictates what will work for you.   There is no real reference to the BiPolar spectrum in Chimp Paradox only Autism so when he talks about different mind types then I'm not sure where my Cyclythymia fits.   The very non interventionist nature of the Three Principles scares me a bit as it feels that you ought to aim to change or better yourself in some way.  It feels very counter intuitive.   CBT is something that I have worked with over a number of episodes now and though I understand the science I feel like I'm putting the effort in but not getting the results.   Ultimately I think my desire to get better is meaning that I'm impatient as my NHS interventions have all been medical thus far so I have forged ahead with reading and CBT and very recently private talking therapy.  Now I have multiple models in front of me.  This is all very hard as two things I'm rubbish at during an episode is analysis and excision making.  Amongst others. 

Fortunately I think the medical intervention is beginning to help and my moods have been improved apart from a couple of manic blips.   The anxiety though is still there peaking occasionally though perhaps not as overwhelming as it has been.  The meds for the anxiety are a tad tranquilising and mean I can feel dopey for a lot of the day.  

I'm hoping that Diagnosis will progress when I return from the USA and it means I'll be better placed for matching medication and therapy to my condition.  

What's the point of this ramble you might ask?   I guess it's to underline that mental health episodes are not served by 'pull yourself together' as the landscape for therapy is complex as are all patients.  

Hope some of this makes sense.   

Tony x

Thursday 30 July 2015

It's been a funny/tough 2/3 months and the recent days have seen me experiencing a lot more turbulence in my mental health, however this to me is a good thing as it seems that I'm breaking out of that bad mood rut that I had been in alongside my overwhleming anxiety.  The therapy is helping me challenge the negative and catastrophic thinking,  a friend recommended 'Three Principles' which is the only self help homework alongside mindfulness that I'm going to do when I'm away in the USA.

My GP is happy for me to travel as is my therapist and my mental health nurse, that's good as getting Mental Health covered under travel insurance is proving difficult and I think I'm just going to 'Do Nothing' with that and trust it out as it feels I'm on the upswing.  With the upswing though my newly diagnosed ( tbc) Cyclythymic traits are showing in moments and hours of mania occasionally.  I have to keep a mood diary for my Psychiatrict assessments and it was actually my Wives insight into the mania that brought it to the attention of the mental health nurse, I hadnt really even discussed it with my GP.  Sometimes not everything comes out with every health professional and I guess that Mental Health is a difficult and with some folks subjective thing.

The Meds seem / seem to be dampening the overwhelming anxiety.  I haven't had a dawn to dusk day where I have had the adrenaline prickles for a whole day, that's exhausting.  I'm trying to walk / exercise more as well which I think is helping with that also.  My Meds on my EMIS patient record are broken into 2 types of medications interestingly as I signed up for Patient Record access with my GP this week. They are intensive and ongoing.  The intensive Meds which I think I may need to be off to work are the Valium, Sleeping Tablets and possibly the Quetapine .... though I thought that was going to be needed ongoing ?   The Ongoing are the Perycyazine , Anti Depressant and my Lanzoprazol.

Anyone, reason to blog = None apart from Catharcism for me
Though I am begining to be excited to cradle my GrandDaughter as well as anxious at the next 36 hours to get to Cinncinati.

Peace ......     Tony

p.s. I want to wish a Happy Retirement to my mucker at work Tony Noon.   One of the absolute best people I have ever worked with in my 30 years at Aviva.    Tony, enjoy it, you deserve it.

Wednesday 29 July 2015

My good friend Dave 'Dodge' Palmer passed away 2 years ago, he and I used to write poetry together, he was a top bloke, I'm hoping to put together a book of his and my poetry for the Starthrowers charity later this year entitled 'A Dodgy Pair', there may even be a spoken word release on Rectum Records, home of Spewtum.

Poem - (this is) verbal diarrhoea

(this is) verbal diarrhoea

Allowing wordsmithery
The most valuable currency
That we use mostly fluently
Our words are our bonds

Enabling discourse
The formation of stories
Can tell of mans glories
With some verbal diarrhoea

We have words of honour
At our word sincere
Nos quod dicere
What we say we do

Not true

We wind and we weave
We lie and deceive
A great tapestry
for you and for me
in words their are truth
but we lie so much better
giving reign to imagination
the tales we unfetter

The child babbles
Become adults of babel
We live part in truth
Part our own fable

This poem was written for my friend Martin Nicholls 50th birthday in December last year, he and his wife have been supportive recently.

Martin Nico
(in the style of John Cooper Clarke)

This axe wielder is no mere mortal
Tales of him will make you chortle
Remember Aslan, Fond of Dogs and Mister Do
Theres a hairy guitar man known to you
Hes our rock god, lock up your daughters
Well they did until Helen caught him

He was the first to the skirt was Martin Nico
Hit paydirt even before his first Disco
I’m pretty sure her name was Sarah Caton
We were impressed, our mouths were gaping
But I don’t believe they ever went dating
Don’t think they ever shared an 18 rating

Early in the life of Martin Nico
He dwelled on a road called Yew Tree Close
He ran with his gang of youthful duds
A secret society called the Corny Cap Club
You had Ammo, Ivan, Karl and Mart
Warring with others in their Tank Go Kart

Martin Nico became an Oriel Crusader
Playing Diplomacy as a keen Boardgamer
Very ironic if you experience him later
But even then he was an idea Generator
We delivered sketches that made Beaky irater
And Aslan made a noise some would say grated

As a group we were early day Derek Acorahs
Ghost Hunting on the Broads made the girls nervous
You had to look after them if it got colder
Sleeping in Bobs Dads attic maybe the lads got bolder
Then we would all turn up at the Greenbelt Fest
A guy called Griff Pilchard was the worst but the best

Then theres the rallys on a summers day
We had to enjoy them come what may
There’s this guy with a big Water gun
If he spots you, you’d better run
His hair’s modelled on Justin Biebers
Nico it’s a Knockout he just caught ya

Off with Betty to Nottingham
Off his Tits in Amsterdam
Married with kids as Dad and Mum
Helen and Martin having fun
Late Night casualty of Bar Night Blow
Martin is gone before the evenings over

Theres a thing that you should know
About the mind of Martin Nico
He’s sharp, sharp as a meat cleaver
He will turn you into a believer
Drop a track like Amsterdam to deceive ya
Amongst all that Prog that really makes ya heave yeah!

Check out Mr Bobby Titz
He’s famous for his magic keyboard tricks
He’s just another over-achiever
Hanging on the coat tails of Martin Nico
Playing his Hammond to a 9 minute guitar Solo
Apparently he can also Yodel

We’ve got CCC and
We’ve got and
You need a fricking PhD
To keep up with Martin Nico

So let me say in conclusion
And for the avoidance of confusion
He’s a guy that

cc 2014 Tony Amis