Saturday 30 July 2016

Stop Making Sense

I'm not even sure if this BLOG stuff is carthartic anymore :( Ggrrrrrr @ Self

Head on the wrong Axis

I don't know how I've ended up here again but my anxiety has been overwhelming me the last 3/4 weeks on and off, mostly on, theres been very minor short lived hypomania which meant I organised stuff I couldnt keep up and bought stuff I shouldnt have bought.

I feel like my anxietal head is on the wrong axis, instead of my head dealing with my life in linear fashion I'm somehow now processing my past, present and future life in one go, all in my head at the same time.  I was in floods of tears at the Bowie Prom when watching 'Blackstar' and 'I cant give everything away', it was very touching and melancholy just overtook me ............... I have too much stuff, I have too much, Its a symptom of 21st & 20th century life I think.  Not expensive stuff, I just have too many comics, CDs, books and other guff, my house is a tip and I've allowed myself to hoard.  It's all great cultural stuff and some of it means a lot but I've just got too much stuff that thats part of my overwhelming head that I can't process the volume of thoughts and the volume of stuff in my life.

I feel like I'm letting work down, my wife Carol down, my family down as I'm this pathetic anxietal wastrel who just can't get a grip !!!!!!

I'm trying to use the tools I have before and obviously I've seen my GP and contacted my Mental Health case worker as well to discuss what I can do,  made a few changes  but theres not silver bullet that pulls you back into a sensible head set.  I'm cancelling lots of social stuff like I did a year ago because I can't get my head around the axis change in my thought processes where everything is pouring through my head at once.  I can't read all my eMails and all my facebooks as I can't add to the volume of stuff in my head either so apologies if you have contacted me in that way, it's bust I'm just ignoring it at the moment and I know I need to take things day by day, hour by hour, I'm looking to my CBT, Mindfulness and Talking Therapy and I'm also very lucky to have friends and family who have come alongside me as ever to help me, to try and help me out of a rut again.

I wish I could just be laid back and accepting of some of the guff going through my head but instead I often manage to crank up my anxiety, not that I mean to, I don't want that dialogue in my head, I really don't but as I think I've said before theres no silver bullets, yes we have tools that health professionals provide and yes they do work, but often they don't work as well because of the baggage we bring and our warped thinking, I don't know, I'm not the expert.

I just want to be well so that my family gets the best of me but at the moment thats just not happening !!!! Friends and Family and Work colleagues can I just say thanks and I'm sorry that I don't always respond in the way that your good faith deserves.  It's ridiculously a first world problem in these days of horrors all over the news regards Syria, Africa, Asia, Germany, France etc. etc.

I wish there was a switch I good flick my good friends.  I hope life is treating you and you are treating yourselves well !!!!!!!



Poem: BiPolar High Roller

BiPolar High Roller

Hello here its the BiPolar High Roller
You never asked to be at the table
To be so unstable
Try things and be unable
To bet on yourself a complete misery

Hello here Its the Absolute Beginner
You never asked to learn about this
To be far from bliss
Everything a mental quiz
To be yourself completely miserable

From mania to mood to anxiety
Theres no way to be free
From this devil thats sits on my shoulder
With the mania I'm so much bolder
Than the pathetic whelp overwhelmed by anxiety
From fight or flight wanting to be free

Feeling im Superman and I can do it all
Mania sweeping through me Im having a ball
Sleeping so little through it all
Talking over people standing ten feet tall
For a short time thats the way it is
Until I crash and burn as i shoot and near miss
From a near miss to feeling I've totally missed the goal
To a feeling that I'm useless and I fall into a hole
Concentration becomes a thing of the past
Prickling feelings that last and last and last
Daily fatigue yet sleeping no more
All of my confidence has shot out the door

In good company the BiPolar High Roller
The Dice are rolled daily as the mood hits the floor
The Wager is living life as the anxiety closes the door
On the chances to convince myself Im worth anything
what odds will the next day bring?

***END***

( this might not be finished ??? )