Monday 25 March 2019

Velcro for the Negative !

I havent blogged for a long while and I don't think I have often blogged when I'm actually in the midst of an episode.  So for once I'm doing that, hoping that it will be cathartic and also hoping that it will help some folks.

I've titled this 'velcro for the negative' which is a phrase that Ruby Wax used about herself and its something thats stuck in my mind and something thats apt to my current thinking, my current thinking being that Im catastrophising lots of local issuettes, family & self stuff,  we can become a sort of landing strip, velcro, for negative thoughts and its really hard to break that. 

Ive often talked about a toolbox for navigating my BiPolar and I've been trying to reach into that and break the cycle im in and also Im aware that people have seen me and my even think that Im actually okay, but Im not, below the surface much is going on and I've tried to stay socially active to try and keep this rut to a minimum, to try and navigate this but at the moment it feels that Im fining Mindfulness,  CBT, Talking Therapy, Exercise all quite difficult.   My GP said Im doing the right things but that still means that Im facing castatrophising when Im thinking about situations and Im not getting out of bed until 2pm some days because Id rather hide under the covers.  One thing that has helped me is a Buddhist Gratefulness medititation though, Im aware that I don't want to face the world but the last few times I've laid in after 12-14 hours sleep I have tried to apply this to my life and I've felt it help position myself for a half decent day, a chance to peel back that velcro to some degree.  Its funny because Ive helped run the 21 days of happiness back at work to help people with their mental health and even though I've helped run that and formulate the exercises with a colleague I haven't managed to learn the habits myself !!!  The idea is that it takes 21 days to form a habit like it takes 10000 hours to become an expert.   So the idea with any tool in our mental health tookbox really is that initially what we can hope for is that we get good habits as that happens quicker than any expertise with the tools.  Thats definitely true.

Im hoping that this rut will be limited and Im hoping that Im turning the corner with my headspace, today I have to self talk myself into performing at my Level 2 Graduation Improv show tonight, Im conflicted because Im off work sick but at the same time, though sometimes creatively im empty, Improv has been good for my mental health, another tool, another safe space, hopefully it will be okay and okay is probably good enough at the moment.

So Im not sure if Im making any sense, I was reading I think that a Buddhist Monk when talking to a Neuroscientist discussed that we are Nego-Centric as humans, made worse because the culture that we live in can constantly make us feel that we are lacking, that those around us can constantly make us feel that we are lacking ....... Added to that we have stress going on, the different types that say that  were not getting what we want, were getting what we dont want, trying to protect what we have, losing what were attached to, not good enough to achieve what we need to.   Wanting creates stress and feelings of deficiency or lack.   Like velcro all that negative stuff attaches on.   Basically we often really dont love ourselves or even like ourselves enough.   One friend once said I was the nicest person he knew, he may have even said it two or threee times however I have never felt I can believe that at face value ......... He cant have met many people to form that opinion.   I must be  a false pretender, says the devil on my shoulder.

We need to try and be grateful for what we have and not introduce the stress of wanting, we need to give ourselves the chance to love ourselves, we need to try and turn away from overt self criticism.  At the moment my biggest challenge is to try and get up out of bed in the morning and challenging the fear of every day that its going to be a disaster as normally it isnt.   We can be really judgemental and often we stand in judgement of ourselves far more than anyone else.   Talking Therapy will help me with this as well as good behavours but as ever there is no silver bullets for Mental Health.

Hope that makes some sense, is some help to folks,  We've got not just to be there for others we need to be there for ourselves as well.

As a Coda, a lot of friends have asked me recently, how can they help me?  The answer for me is just to continue to be good friends that don't judge me, ditch any pity for me and channel your compassion for people.  Dont say calm down or cheer up.  Overlook when Im perhaps being less of a friend than I should be, encourage me to be social and have a healthy lifestyle.

Peace x