Some people are quite adamant that Mental illness isn’t one
of those things you should choose to be ignorant about. However I appreciate
that the information isn’t always out there for people to contextualise when
dealing with people navigating Mental Health conditions. What you don’t
know can and often impact on someone navigating their Mental
Health condition. I’ve borrowed a format from an aqquaintance called
Lizzie to try and explain how my Brain works as opposed to someones ‘Typical’
Brain.
I have Bipolar disorder Type 2.
Today, I want to give you a peek into the inner workings of
a bipolar mind — specifically mine. This is mine and not everybody with
BiPolar though I’m sure that behaviours are similar across those with BiPolar.
The best way to go about this is to compare a “Normal” Brain
to my brain (which hereafter shall be referred to as the Bipolar Brain). I
realize normal is somewhat subjective, lets try and call it a ‘Typical’ brain
and we all have cracks here and there. People with bipolar disorder can have
dysfunction which affects every part of their lives, including cognitive
function.
The “Typical” Brain vs. The Bipolar Brain
The “Typical” Brain has a rhythm, a circadian
rhythm — a cycle of activity. The psychological and physiological changes of a
person that can be affected by light and dark and thrown out of whack by say,
jet lag. It’s a pattern over a 24-hour period that generally has you going to
bed and waking around the same times, and being hungry, tired, etc. around the
same time every day. It is self-sustaining, yet changeable. It’s often referred
to as the body clock. The Normal Brain takes a licking and keeps it ticking.
The Bipolar Brain can fly by the seat of its
pants left to its own devices. Bipolar disorder is associated with
irregular circadian rhythms. I am often a
free-running rhythm. Normal circadian rhythm and just trying to be “Normal” can
be a huge effort for the bipolar mind. It is a goal for stability and when
achieved, still extremely easy to be knocked off course. This is why
robustness and resilience are the holy grail for Bipolar minds when discussing
their condition with their Talking Therapists.
The “Typical” Brain keeps its surroundings based
on its particular likes and taste in décor and level of cleanliness it is
comfortable with. Upkeep of surroundings involves chores, set tasks and a sense
of order.
The Bipolar Brain may reflect the state by its
surroundings. You really want to know how I’m doing, take a look at my home and
my man cave. The farther the disorganisation reaches from the centre — possible
the greater my grasp on the here and now. You see a horrible mess, and you can
bet youself that my brain is a mess too.
I do like neat and tidy. My wife likes near and tidy, it can
be a source of conflict.
Structure is good for the Bipolar Brain and calm peaceful
clean surroundings are ideal and what I like. When there is a mess,
I can not always just fix it. It’s not an excuse to be a lousy housekeeper. Or
a sign of laziness. Some people do think that. It is the Bipolar Brain
exploded.
The Typical Brain in matters of the heart may
proceed with caution and is observant of cues from the object of its affection
and proceeds accordingly.
The Bipolar Brain takes its lead from my wide
open emotions, this means that if manic I can be manic in emotional or
relationship situations, I like to hug and I don’t always respect peoples own
body space. If in a depression the opposite can be true and I shy away
from social contact.
The Typical Brain has levels of openness with
others, intimate, best friend, family, acquaintance.
The Bipolar Brain, I tend to be either in or you are
out. You either get me or you don’t. I either like you or I don’t. Keeping up
the façade of a normal well-adjusted person is again exhausting, am I repeating
that, anxiety can be at the centre of trying to keep a balance.
The Typical Brain is a sedate train ride around
the zoo.
The Bipolar Brain can be biggest roller coaster
in the park.
The Typical Brain on drugs is I don’t know
actually !?!
The Bipolar Brain on drugs is often hopefully
more of a “typical” Brain. That’s why Medical Professionals use
medicine for BiPolar.
Ever wonder why people with bipolar have a
high incidence of self-medicating? Heres some
information. I’m lucky that I rarely tend to self medicate. A drug
that incapacitates the typical persons Brain can calm and focus mine
The Typical Brain has to see it to believe it,
or some concrete proof of it. It being whatever it is.
The Bipolar Brain can see it if I believe it. No
proof needed. I’m very scientific generally and have less flights of fancy then
other sufferers of BiPolar, however in mania I can sometimes consider things at
a more existential level and have them make a crude sense to me.
The Typical Brain has a train of thought.
The Bipolar Brain can be a queue of bumper cars.
The Typical Brain might see words to describe
life.
The Bipolar Brain you might says sees colours,
broad brush strokes to describe life.
The Typical Brain is fairly steadfast in its
fears and beliefs no matter the situation.
The Bipolar Brain when too happy (manic) has few
if any fears, and when sad no beliefs or no trust in anything.
The Typical Brain thinks, filters and then
speaks or writes.
The Bipolar Brain speaks or writes, then thinks,
then realises sometimes that no filter has been applied.
The Typical Brain can follow a logical
progression and form a plan, then see it through to completion, even if
slightly delayed.
The Bipolar Brain sees the pieces and starts to
put them together — oh look! Something distracting has come into view.
Then has to decide what to deal with. This is why Mindfulness
(meditation) I think helps with BiPolar.
So there you have a rough idea of whats going on in my
BiPolar brain, I’m sure from other articles that I’ve seen like this that it’s
different but similar for lots of folks.
My brain isn’t a bad brain, it’s a brain with challenges.
I’m a husband, father, friend, co-worker with the challenges my brain brings.
I guess it feels to me like I will always disappoint people
to some degree as folks may focus on my absences more than my strengths as they
are probably more evident month to month.
I guess for some people the above may not help understand me
and I will always be an oddball, a curveball but I like to think even with
navigating my BiPolar I’m still a good Husband, Father, Friend, Colleague when
and where it matters though my contribution comes with a degree of risk.
I think one of the oddest things is that often people do like
me yet I don’t like myself especially when I’m falling short I hate my brain.
I’ll leave it there and hope it again helps to some degree
with understanding me.
peace
Tony
Thanks to Lizzie C. ( The Mighty ) for the format of the above.
