Monday 20 May 2019

BiPolar Mind versus Typical Mind: Vive le Difference maybe ?!?


Some people are quite adamant that Mental illness isn’t one of those things you should choose to be ignorant about. However I appreciate that the information isn’t always out there for people to contextualise when dealing with people navigating Mental Health conditions.  What you don’t know can and often impact on someone navigating their Mental Health condition.  I’ve borrowed a format from an aqquaintance called Lizzie to try and explain how my Brain works as opposed to someones ‘Typical’ Brain.

I have Bipolar disorder Type 2.
Today, I want to give you a peek into the inner workings of a bipolar mind — specifically mine.  This is mine and not everybody with BiPolar though I’m sure that behaviours are similar across those with BiPolar.
The best way to go about this is to compare a “Normal” Brain to my brain (which hereafter shall be referred to as the Bipolar Brain). I realize normal is somewhat subjective, lets try and call it a ‘Typical’ brain and we all have cracks here and there. People with bipolar disorder can have dysfunction which affects every part of their lives, including cognitive function.
The “Typical” Brain vs. The Bipolar Brain
The “Typical” Brain has a rhythm, a circadian rhythm — a cycle of activity. The psychological and physiological changes of a person that can be affected by light and dark and thrown out of whack by say, jet lag. It’s a pattern over a 24-hour period that generally has you going to bed and waking around the same times, and being hungry, tired, etc. around the same time every day. It is self-sustaining, yet changeable. It’s often referred to as the body clock. The Normal Brain takes a licking and keeps it ticking.
The Bipolar Brain can fly by the seat of its pants left to its own devices. Bipolar disorder is associated with irregular circadian rhythms. I am often a free-running rhythm. Normal circadian rhythm and just trying to be “Normal” can be a huge effort for the bipolar mind. It is a goal for stability and when achieved, still extremely easy to be knocked off course.  This is why robustness and resilience are the holy grail for Bipolar minds when discussing their condition with their Talking Therapists.
The “Typical” Brain keeps its surroundings based on its particular likes and taste in décor and level of cleanliness it is comfortable with. Upkeep of surroundings involves chores, set tasks and a sense of order.
The Bipolar Brain may reflect the state by its surroundings. You really want to know how I’m doing, take a look at my home and my man cave. The farther the disorganisation reaches from the centre — possible the greater my grasp on the here and now. You see a horrible mess, and you can bet youself that my brain is a mess too.
I do like neat and tidy. My wife likes near and tidy, it can be a source of conflict. 
Structure is good for the Bipolar Brain and calm peaceful clean surroundings are ideal and what I like. When there is a mess, I can not always just fix it. It’s not an excuse to be a lousy housekeeper. Or a sign of laziness. Some people do think that.  It is the Bipolar Brain exploded.
The Typical Brain in matters of the heart may proceed with caution and is observant of cues from the object of its affection and proceeds accordingly.
The Bipolar Brain takes its lead from my wide open emotions, this means that if manic I can be manic in emotional or relationship situations, I like to hug and I don’t always respect peoples own body space.  If in a depression the opposite can be true and I shy away from social contact.
The Typical Brain has levels of openness with others, intimate, best friend, family, acquaintance.
The Bipolar Brain, I tend to be either in or you are out. You either get me or you don’t. I either like you or I don’t. Keeping up the façade of a normal well-adjusted person is again exhausting, am I repeating that,  anxiety can be at the centre of trying to keep a balance.
The Typical Brain is a sedate train ride around the zoo.
The Bipolar Brain can be biggest roller coaster in the park.
The Typical Brain on drugs is I don’t know actually !?!
The Bipolar Brain on drugs is often hopefully more of a “typical” Brain.   That’s why Medical Professionals use medicine for BiPolar.
Ever wonder why people with bipolar have a high incidence of self-medicating? Heres some information.  I’m lucky that I rarely tend to self medicate.  A drug that incapacitates the typical persons Brain can calm and focus mine
The Typical Brain has to see it to believe it, or some concrete proof of it. It being whatever it is.
The Bipolar Brain can see it if I believe it. No proof needed. I’m very scientific generally and have less flights of fancy then other sufferers of BiPolar, however in mania I can sometimes consider things at a more existential level and have them make a crude sense to me.  
The Typical Brain has a train of thought.
The Bipolar Brain can be a queue of bumper cars.
The Typical Brain might see words to describe life.
The Bipolar Brain you might says sees colours, broad brush strokes to describe life.
The Typical Brain is fairly steadfast in its fears and beliefs no matter the situation.
The Bipolar Brain when too happy (manic) has few if any fears, and when sad no beliefs or no trust in anything.
The Typical Brain thinks, filters and then speaks or writes.
The Bipolar Brain speaks or writes, then thinks, then realises sometimes that no filter has been applied.
The Typical Brain can follow a logical progression and form a plan, then see it through to completion, even if slightly delayed.
The Bipolar Brain sees the pieces and starts to put them together — oh look! Something distracting has come into view.  Then has to decide what to deal with.  This is why Mindfulness (meditation) I think helps with BiPolar.

So there you have a rough idea of whats going on in my BiPolar brain, I’m sure from other articles that I’ve seen like this that it’s different but similar for lots of folks.
My brain isn’t a bad brain, it’s a brain with challenges. I’m a husband, father, friend, co-worker with the challenges my brain brings.
I guess it feels to me like I will always disappoint people to some degree as folks may focus on my absences more than my strengths as they are probably more evident month to month.
I guess for some people the above may not help understand me and I will always be an oddball, a curveball but I like to think even with navigating my BiPolar I’m still a good Husband, Father, Friend, Colleague when and where it matters though my contribution comes with a degree of risk.
I think one of the oddest things is that often people do like me yet I don’t like myself especially when I’m falling short I hate my brain.
I’ll leave it there and hope it again helps to some degree with understanding me.

    peace
         Tony



Thanks to Lizzie C.  ( The Mighty ) for the format of the above.

Wednesday 8 May 2019

BiPolar Roller: Returning to Work


Its great that people these days want to break down barriers and taboos about mental health.  Usually this means talking about depression as many are affected by this in some way.   BiPolar is also surprisingly common, they say perhaps 1 in 100 have the condition though many are undiagnosed.  BiPolar can have depressive mood swings but also it has mania which means the treatment is different to just taking anti depressants.  I’m unsure that people understand BiPolar that well and just use the term too commonly to describe erratic behaviour or perhaps severe mood swings.
Becoming unwell
I was undiagnosed for 20 years, in fact until 5 years ago when a Psychiatrist put together my health history and my current episode and diagnosed me.  Some people can associate an initial diagnosis with specific triggers, I have never really been able to do that.  For me there are always a cocktail of things going on from work, personal life and my catastrophising headspace.  As well as the mania and depression I also have high anxiety as part of navigating my mental health.  For 20 years, not very often I had been signed off work occasionally with Stress, Anxiety, Depression, it seemed vaguely cyclical and the only medication given was anti depressants.
When I’m manic I don’t usually spot it, partly because my personality traits can be similar as I’m an extrovert, but my symptoms of mania are often high energy, talkative, jumping quickly from one thought to another, interrupting people, walking around at 100 mph at home and in the office, filling my diary with social events, buying tons of stuff on ebay ………..etc……….  I really need spotters at work and at home as I don’t see mania.  I can often feel/see low mood and anxiety coming though and  I work to navigate it.   With the mania I have often had to be seen by the Mental Health crisis team to evaluate where I am and what can I do to stabilise, stabilising being really hard and often a depressive crash coming after the manic episode.
Going back to work
After being off for 6 weeks this time, most of which is quite hazy to me as I was heavily medicated, I was eager to return to work. I like my job, love might be too strong a word, despite being asked by Mental Health nurses if it's really what I wanted to do.
Going back to work was scary; I was nervous. My boss has been incredible, HR have been supportive, explaining that no one was holding judgement of me and that they really wanted my return to work to be a success, that they wanted to try and do something different with this return to work rather than landing me how they have previously.  I’m grateful for this and was pleased to be able to have such an open conversation.  One of the things I’m worried about is that I’m nearly 55 years old and it seems that my episodes are getting nearer together now, they used to be 3 or 4 years apart but they seem more regular than that now and I really really don’t want my last years at work to be my worst years at work, to go out from my employment on a real low !?!   This has me in tears with the Boss which is very unusual.   However I digress and all I can say is that I’m getting really good support at work with a return to work plan and some different work to do than my usual work to see if there is something different that I can do.
I’m aiming through a return to work plan to become as robust and resilient in the workplace as I can be and to try and not have a hugely extended time away from work as that’s not good for me either.  Last year I had an episode and I managed to get my work duties adjusted without being off work for a 3,4 week period to try and get back to a good place where I was making a contribution in the workplace.  One thing that is often a hard battle is when my short term memory just refuses to play ball, I’m then having to write everything down at work and home.
Disclosure
I'm a pretty open person and so Im ‘out’ at work as someone with BiPolar, I’m not saying that this is an avenue that everyone would be comfortable in the workplace with?  I choose to tell people mostly because I’m always keen that people have as much information about what they are dealing with in a colleague, Im sometime afraid that it might come across as needy, its meant to be helpful and also to help other people as I’ve had folks contact me in the workplace and hopefully see me as a confidant for them as they navigate their own mental health challenges.
I have been lucky enough to be asked to talk to 2 Senior Leaders in the company about my BiPolar and I saw that as a great opportunity to push that those who navigate mental health conditions can be positive members of the workforce as part of a diverse workforce.  At the same time I appreciate that it can be disruptive when an episode occurs especially if some of the behaviours are evident in the workplace before efforts are taken to address them.
I do have to keep fighting with my catastrophising headspace that I’m not less than everyone else because of my condition, I often think that I contribute less than everyone else.
Warning signs
I'll normally disclose my condition at some point with anyone I work with closely, as I need their support in keeping an eye on me. I need spotters like my Boss, close colleagues and family to spot if I’m drifting into mania.  Whilst I manage my condition relatively well I think, I still like to have someone watching out in case they spot any symptoms. These include: higher energy than normal; working long hours; stress; talking very fast; jumping between thoughts, and not making sense. 
Finding fellowship
I’ve found that a number of us at work have bonded over mental health and that we support each other off the side of our desks and as part of the Wellbeing programme at work.  Its really important I feel to have these relationships in the workplace if you are lucky enough that that happens.
What you can do
I think the best advice that I can give is if someone chooses to confide in yourself, if you are worried about someone else, take it seriously and don’t treat it like its some debilitating ailment that you are scared of.
Perhaps ask "are you okay?" if you feel someone is acting out of character.  You probably want to do this in an appropriate 1:1 setting, perhaps get someone out for a cup of tea, paying attention and being willing to listen will often mean a lot to a colleague but it may mean a degree of commitment on your part.
Almost everyone is on the mental health spectrum, the human being is susceptible to stress, moods, anxiety, worry it’s just that some people bounce back naturally and some people less so.   Those with prevailing mental health challenges are just another diverse part of the human condition.

Hope this made sense & helps,
           Tony

Monday 6 May 2019

My first ever stand up slot

This is my first ever stand up slot
Please by all means share constructive critique
Ive written all the material myself from the ground up

https://soundcloud.com/mezzaninedoor/stand_up_live_jurnets_2nd_may