So
apologies having blogged quite often during some real hard yards of my life I
have negated to BLOG for about 6 months where things have gone from bad to
actually a better place. I want to
update you all on my experiences of my BiPolar and navigating the illness at
home and at work. This is partly a
reaction to an American lady posting recently on The Mighty about her BiPolar
journey and so I may steal some stuff and hopefully end up with an interesting
BLOG, I’ll let you judge that.
In 1990
I had my first mental health episode but it wasn’t until September 2015 that I
was diagnosed with biPolar and the strategy with my ilnesses was over time
shaped more to answer the questions that BiPolar asked and to help me with my
condition. To steal someone elses words
…………….. When you realize you have a
mental
illness, I believe
you learn to be more self-aware, to be vulnerable and strong. I agree with this but I think an awful lot of
navigation and learning happens and though you can end up Strong you still
occasionally break however much you try not to.
When I
was diagnosed with Cyclythymia prior to my BiPolar diagnosis I remember being
terrified of telling my work colleagues about my Mental Health and thinking
apart from with very close friends I would need to hide it all. I remember
thinking they would judge me and disown me — I would become the weakling in the
work force, too fragile to be effective. What I now realize is that I would gather
tools that would help me cope with more than just my mental health, but with life
in general and I saw a Ruby Wax documentary on Channel 4 where I decided I
would be open and honest about my Mental Health in the work place, it was part
of me and even when diagnosed with BiPolar I didn’t shy away from that. It
hasn’t been the easiest process, not everybody listens but ultimately I have
found my Aviva colleagues supportive and willing to try and understand. I have to also say that my Managers have in the
main been very supportive.
Below I
use someone elses words with a few alterations to make it me that I think
detail the differences between Mania & Depression really well, Im a
Depressive with occasional Mania, not someone who is Manic lots of the time ……
I find the Mania quite refreshing sometimes as it breaks my low mood.
“Before I understood my bipolar diagnosis, I just
thought that mania was the creative, determined, hardworking, albeit irritable
me and that the depression that came after was the sad, tired me. Depression,
I understood. All too well. We are reluctant friends who do not like each
other, yet find comfort in our quiet. Mania – well, she was new.
Mania comes in, kicks
the door down and says, “I want all your
attention” But after a while
everyone around gets tired of Mania. Mania wants to work all day, fast, wants to plan
projects and jobs without thinking it through. Mania wants to write poetry at 11 p.m. When everyone is sleeping, Mania wants to listen to
music – loud. Mania says, “Don’t go to sleep, you’ll miss out on all the fun.”
Mania thinks three hours of sleep is sufficient. Mania talks back to people and
snaps at strangers and friends. Mania says no one else does anything as good as me
so I must do everything for everybody. Mania says I’m witty. Mania says I tell
the best stories and that I really can do
strange things in the backgarden at 10 p.m., when I really know nothing about them. Mania says I’m fat and that I need to do something about it right now. Mania wants to talk to strangers and make new
friends. Mania wants to paint the house at 1 a.m. on a Tuesday. Mania tells me
that the people I love are in my way and that I don’t need them as much as I really do. Mania tells me I don’t have to talk to my partner about
decisions and says my partner is probably
better off alone. Mania says I don’t
have to answer to anyone. Mania tells me to buy buy
buy comic books off ebay, just don’t tell
anyone how many. Mania likes me, maybe even
loves me…. until she doesn’t.
Then Depression decides to
move in, carrying more luggage than necessary to do the job. Depression is like
an old coat that no one likes. Wooly. Scratchy. Ugly. Smelly. Sad. Depression always
overstays its visit. Depression is constantly unpacking baggage. Depression
tells me I’m tired, sad and lonely. Depression sulks and cries for no reason.
Depression tell me I’m worthless and that I haven’t lived up to my potential so
just give up, you cant do that day job
anymore, its beyond you. Depression tells me
that no one likes me. Depression tells me I’m fat and my face is looking old and nothing I do can help. Depression says not to smile or laugh. Depression tells me it
is better to stay in bed. Depression tells me I’m a bad Dad to my children. Depression says I have ruined them. Depression wants to be in
the dark, keep the shades closed. Depression cries with me and sometimes I can even find comfort in
Depression. Depression makes me selfish and inward
looking.”
Hope that makes sense to
someone and perhaps helps.
The key thing is that in
the last 18 months I have felt the above way about Mania and Depression and
work, family etc but for 4-5 months now I have been in a really good place most
of the time though Im still navigating my BiPolar day to day and I’ve felt that
it has been a bridge to people as I have been able to speak about it within
Aviva to my colleagues, People Managers and even one session with our Life CIO and
I’m glad that I have been able to perhaps help a few people with their
Wellbeing.
Tony x
