New Years Eve of Destruction

I'll get in early with a Happy New Year for the morrow.

I don't think New Years resolutions are for me, they become just another stick to beat up on myself. However I am hoping that 2016 will be a better year.  I've still got my 50th birthday outing with work colleagues c/f from 2014 and I hope that i'll be able to do that in May this coming year.

On the listening front as we step into the new year, I'm still behind the times and listening to CD's whilst dabbling with amazon prime music.  The car is currently seeing me shift between Frank Turner ( Positive songs for negative people ) , David Bowie ( at the Beeb ) , Public Service Broadcasting ( The Race into Space ) , God speed you! Black Emperor ( Asunder, sweet and other distress ) ,  Sex Pistols ( Never mind the bollocks ) and the MOJO punk CD this month.

Thanks to all my friends for being the best you can be in 2015, heres hoping for adventures in living in 2016 and the return of my Mojo.

Twelve Symptoms #3

I'm a bit tardy with this series, sorry.  I do find a schedule hard to keep at the moment.

#3 ~~ Rapid Speech & Overspeaking

This is one that I'm normally very unaware of unless someone points it out to me.  I apologised to a colleague at work on my recent return as I was aware in a number of meetings I had spoken overtop of him and it had caused some friction at the time.

The rapid speech often means that the conversation is meandering though fast and may not reach a logical conclusion, a bit like knowing what you want to say at the beginning but then the speech being distracted and shooting off at tangents.

I guess this symptom lays with the general symptoms associated with a rapid burst of energy when having a manic or euphoric episode.  This rapid speech is I believe also associated with an over estimation of ones ability and a likeliness to take on more tasks than youn can handle, basically holding your hand up for every volunteered action etc etc.

next #4 -- Racing Thoughts

Happy Xmas, War isn't Over !

So, what to write on Christmas Day. In some ways the oddest day of our year.  We have the stark contrast of pictures of piles and piles of presents, of war torn regions and of those who are perhaps homeless in our western countries.

Of course, the reasons for all of these scenarios are many and complex and it can often feel like  we can't do anything to affect this world with all it's discrepancies between have and have nots, between religions and between economies.

I have been advised, with my condition at times this year, to avoid the news which causes all sorts of conflicting emotions.  First world problems that I suffer pale with the refugees fleeing war torn regions.

I wonder if there is a simple thing amongst all the hate, trolling, warmongering, greed, narcissism, etc etc.  That if the horrid things that surround us are perpetrated by a monority as is often whats suggested, surely if the majority of us are the best people we can be at any point in time  ( we all come with our challenges ), then surely the world must be on balance a better place for that.

Peace ..............

Tony

Twelve Symptoms #2

I haven't had this hypomania for some time now, since I went back to work on my phased return I have been in a depressive plateau and haven't really had an overpowering episode of hypomania since October.  My problem/issue with hypomania is that I generally don't spot it in myself, it will overtake me and I will find myself buying lots of stuff online, not expensive things, but in volume a lot of small things, I find myself oversharing and overtalking people, I find myself suddenly compulsed to organise every social thing under the sun .......... theres other misc. outcomes along the same lines but what follows if this is not checked is the crash after the burn.

There may even be heightened senses of achievement which is in exact opposite to my depressive and anxietally driven belief that i'm absolute rubbish at my job/role/thing im doing.  Some people have said that they feel unstoppable, I dont think I have felt unstoppable but I have possibly become dynamically overproductive for these short hypomania driven bursts.

The crash that has followed has often seen me initially irritable and then low mood, anxietal prickly skin all over ....... etc



Im sure my experience is my experience and its possibly a lot different for other folks.



I would add that today,christmas eve eve 23rd December I'm feeling very mildly optimistic after a number of relatively good days.  Which is a nice basis for hopefully a reasonable christmas holiday.  x

The Twelve Symptoms of Christmas

I had my mental health review this last week.  My meds were altered in the hope that will unlock my intellect for the workplace, reducing my mood stabiliser by 50mg.  Quetiapine.

I think I have written before how having gone back to work I feel muddled when it comes to my intellect and workplace skills.  Bereft of a lot of them.

However, what I want to write about here over Christmas is the 12 symptoms of BiPolar that Im aware of and I wanted to reflect after my review simply on what that means for me and many others and where Christmas might be a challenge.  I dont want to come across all whingey as this feels as ever, like first world problems, but to just share some additional awareness.  Also I can write this and point my Mum and Dad at the blog as our face to face conversations can be awkward.  

The 1st:  Mood Swings ~ Manic and Depressive

Im plateau in a low-ish mood at the moment and so Im experiecing a level of Depression having previously been Manic about 6-7 weeks back.  Im not getting the heightened mood ( Hypomania ) at all at the moment, work seems to have dipped me down below the mood I had at home before my latest return. Christmas is interesting as there is less of a chance to hide away at this time of year and navigating the condition means you need to pick when and where to expose yourself.  I think its worth saying im Type II which is I think, where I have more Depressive episodes than Hypomania episodes.  I think for example Type I is what Stephen Fry navigates.

 A mood swing is characterized by high levels of positivity followed by high levels of negativity and depression or vice versa. Manic periods can last anywhere from a few days to a few months, as can their depressive counterparts.

Repeat Forever ........................

Repeat Forever

Inspect and Adapt

Will cover any mishap

Learning as we go

Will cope with any skid row

Innovation and Surprises

Will inevitably supersize us

Our own self perception

Though will make a correction

We are our own Insurrection

Doubting our ability

This business of Agility

Anxiety and Fragility

Repeat forever.

Performance Management

Workplace Disenfranchant

Displaced from our ability

Working through futility

This business of Agility

Anxiety and Fragility

Repeat forever.

Feeling like a Dinosaur

Workplace process whore

A moments misplaced confidence

Falling at the final fence

This business of Agility

Anxiety and Fragility

Repeat forever.

A brain that doesn’t work anymore

Socratic analysis I can’t clutch the words

A brain that just seems switched off

After 50 years this seems absurd

Caught in my own office oddity

Intellect a missing commodity

Repeat forever.

written during lunch at work today, low mood and anxiety still coming in waves .......... not really sure what I'm trying to say but probably that I miss my 'headspace' working well and working for me ............

Are the Abilities still there?

I find myself completely lacking the talent for Socratic questioning at the moment, that disciplined questioning that professionals/scrum masters use to persue thought in multiple directions and for multiple purposes, including exploring complex ideas, to get to the centre of the thing and open up and resolve issues with the a team.  My muggy muddled head can’t seem to open up issues and problems, analyse concepts as I once could.  My mood since being back at work has dipped to a mild depressive state.  My mood was better before my return to work.

I think I still get the rules and spirit of Scrum/my role but I don’t feel I have that intellectual capacity to remove the impediments for the Team / Product Owner and I don’t believe in my own expertise and so making my own expertise and experience available feels like opening up vulnerability.  I don’t feel robust and resilient and my mood has dipped since my return to work.  I will keep trying to navigate my BiPolar on this phased return to work though ……………..

I don’t feel that I’m the man I was intellectually ???

It feels
It feels slight
It feels slightly 
Life passes
Life passes by
Life passes by me
Mood low
Plateau
Low and level
Anxiety as a bevel
Looking dishevelled
It feels dark and dank
Deep cut by canyons of angst
No decline but no growth
Hard to measure progress
Feels like teetering on regress
Mood low
Plateau
Low just Low
Anxiety on show
Nowhere to go
It feels
It feels like
It feels likely
It feels likely Im Stuck
In a Rut
Wheres my Strut
Wheres my Strength
Wheres my Vigour
Wheres my Verve
Mood Low
Plateau

- Tony 'not sure this has any sense to it' Its a rumination on my return to work, that I felt like I was ready but I cant get out of the lower gear and make progress in the workplace. Mood lower than before I returned to work, mild depression, plateau but not severe depression. But the plateau means that Im not feeling the man I was and that I dont feel the equal of what I once was interlectually !!!

Everybody

Everybody keeps telling me how well I'm doing.  Everybody keeps telling me that I'm doing well.  I don't feel that way though.  

I just feel like Im not the man I was, Im trying at work, I really am but I dont feel I have the analysis, decision making and skills that I once had ............. It feels like Im less than I need to be, subsequently some days even though things I think are more stable I feel over whelmed with anxiety.  I felt better before I was back at work, I thought I was better than I am I guess.

I just wish I was more than I am.