Depression is not a choice

Today has been a bad day at work, in that though I have been at work I have achieved practically zero.

I have had a 'church going' person tell me to pull myself up by my boots and get on with life, intimating that my condition is a choice I have every day.

Who would choose to be depressed?  I have been so much happier in the past when I was not in a relapse or continous anxiety and low mood or less normally manic.

Of course I compare myself to so many things that make me feel guilty/worse, thats how my head works.  I can see all the phyical illnesses that people have, i can see the hardship of trying to build a life in a war torn country like Syria, people don't choose those situations just like people do not choose Mental Illness.

I feel less than others in so many ways because Im struggling to beat my mental illness even though my GP is following the medical model and im also following the Talking Therapy model to try and get some progress, its not proving easy and I understand that because my condition isn't physical in any obvious way that people might not understand how exhausting it can be acheiving very little !!! It can be though.  

I'm always pleased when someone has beaten their Mental Illness or at least not relapsed for a long long while whilst navigating it. its also true that some folks dont beat it and they have to live with how it makes them feel, how if impacts performance, friendships and even of course marriages and family life.  I think everybody we meet is unique and interesting and I think everyone I meet or talk to with Mental Illness is unique and interesting, each experience just like with physical illnesses is unique as well.

Im not quite sure what im trying to say but I think Im just pouring out my frustration that started with a comment to me earlier today and then was added to by my inability to work as I would like to.  My head is still on the wrong axis with too much/many thoughts from past, present and future fighting for part of my mind, making analysis and decision making and creativity at work such an ask.

Im pretty sure that though it can be a First World problem no one chooses to be Mentally ill.

Samaritans

I had never contacted the Samaritans before as I guess I had never felt, however flat and frustrated, that I was in that level of crisis.  To me it indicated that any dark thoughts I was having were beyond me and those supporting me.

Last week and earlier this week though I was becoming incredibly frustrated such that I just needed to vent, frustrated with myself and with my progress not with any of those supporting me and following Talking Therapy ( mine is really good ) that felt stymied I decided I would contact the Samaritans eMail address.

I have to say that the response was much more thought through from Samaritans than I would have expected and the dialogue has really made me think about some things, it hasn't fixed anything but I was so cross with myself I needed an avenue to vent myself within a safe environment and though Im sure the eMail I sent to them was quite venal, the response I got was warm, supportive and well thought through.

I just thought it worth mentioning as its something that people might not exploit because it might seem very dislocated where as my experience has been thats it works as one way to have a dialogue that is meaningful, I'm on a few online forums where I have vented from time to time and well meaning though other Mental Health sufferers are the platitudes can be quite driveby and repetitive if that maske sense.

Stop Making Sense

I'm not even sure if this BLOG stuff is carthartic anymore :( Ggrrrrrr @ Self

Head on the wrong Axis

I don't know how I've ended up here again but my anxiety has been overwhelming me the last 3/4 weeks on and off, mostly on, theres been very minor short lived hypomania which meant I organised stuff I couldnt keep up and bought stuff I shouldnt have bought.

I feel like my anxietal head is on the wrong axis, instead of my head dealing with my life in linear fashion I'm somehow now processing my past, present and future life in one go, all in my head at the same time.  I was in floods of tears at the Bowie Prom when watching 'Blackstar' and 'I cant give everything away', it was very touching and melancholy just overtook me ............... I have too much stuff, I have too much, Its a symptom of 21st & 20th century life I think.  Not expensive stuff, I just have too many comics, CDs, books and other guff, my house is a tip and I've allowed myself to hoard.  It's all great cultural stuff and some of it means a lot but I've just got too much stuff that thats part of my overwhelming head that I can't process the volume of thoughts and the volume of stuff in my life.

I feel like I'm letting work down, my wife Carol down, my family down as I'm this pathetic anxietal wastrel who just can't get a grip !!!!!!

I'm trying to use the tools I have before and obviously I've seen my GP and contacted my Mental Health case worker as well to discuss what I can do,  made a few changes  but theres not silver bullet that pulls you back into a sensible head set.  I'm cancelling lots of social stuff like I did a year ago because I can't get my head around the axis change in my thought processes where everything is pouring through my head at once.  I can't read all my eMails and all my facebooks as I can't add to the volume of stuff in my head either so apologies if you have contacted me in that way, it's bust I'm just ignoring it at the moment and I know I need to take things day by day, hour by hour, I'm looking to my CBT, Mindfulness and Talking Therapy and I'm also very lucky to have friends and family who have come alongside me as ever to help me, to try and help me out of a rut again.

I wish I could just be laid back and accepting of some of the guff going through my head but instead I often manage to crank up my anxiety, not that I mean to, I don't want that dialogue in my head, I really don't but as I think I've said before theres no silver bullets, yes we have tools that health professionals provide and yes they do work, but often they don't work as well because of the baggage we bring and our warped thinking, I don't know, I'm not the expert.

I just want to be well so that my family gets the best of me but at the moment thats just not happening !!!! Friends and Family and Work colleagues can I just say thanks and I'm sorry that I don't always respond in the way that your good faith deserves.  It's ridiculously a first world problem in these days of horrors all over the news regards Syria, Africa, Asia, Germany, France etc. etc.

I wish there was a switch I good flick my good friends.  I hope life is treating you and you are treating yourselves well !!!!!!!

Poem: BiPolar High Roller

BiPolar High Roller

Hello here its the BiPolar High Roller
You never asked to be at the table
To be so unstable
Try things and be unable
To bet on yourself a complete misery

Hello here Its the Absolute Beginner
You never asked to learn about this
To be far from bliss
Everything a mental quiz
To be yourself completely miserable

From mania to mood to anxiety
Theres no way to be free
From this devil thats sits on my shoulder
With the mania I'm so much bolder
Than the pathetic whelp overwhelmed by anxiety
From fight or flight wanting to be free

Feeling im Superman and I can do it all
Mania sweeping through me Im having a ball
Sleeping so little through it all
Talking over people standing ten feet tall
For a short time thats the way it is
Until I crash and burn as i shoot and near miss
From a near miss to feeling I've totally missed the goal
To a feeling that I'm useless and I fall into a hole
Concentration becomes a thing of the past
Prickling feelings that last and last and last
Daily fatigue yet sleeping no more
All of my confidence has shot out the door

In good company the BiPolar High Roller
The Dice are rolled daily as the mood hits the floor
The Wager is living life as the anxiety closes the door
On the chances to convince myself Im worth anything
what odds will the next day bring?

***END***

( this might not be finished ??? )

Fear

I've heard a number of talks where someone espouses 7 principles to dealing with fear etc. and I have to say I've never really came up with anything that takes away or reduces the fear in something.

It's true that fear limits us from being the best we can be, however it's not something that is easily dealt with, as much as people say 'face your fear',this is definitely something that is easier said than done.

The seven specific principles that I highlighted in my talk are to: listen deeply, focus on people, be addicted to learning, be of service, flow through change, move through fear, and follow joy.

Let’s look at moving through fear. Fear is a big block for many people, whether in an agile organization or not, and in people’s lives. Fear limits people from being at their best, for example they may not:

·         Speak up about something they are not happy about

·         Ask questions when they are unsure about something

·         Try a new activity or practice

·         Share new ideas for improvements

·         Pair up with a team member to accomplish a task

·         Ask for help

·         Talk directly to someone they are struggling to have a good relationship with

·         Speak openly at retrospectives

·         Say no to a request that can’t be accomplished, or accomplished in a sustainable manner

When these fears are active, people are not able to fully and authentically contribute to a team and it’s success. We are not able to get the best from people if they do not feel safe to move through fear. Fear holds us back from taking risks, trying new things, being authentic, and moving forward to be at our best as individuals, as a team, and as an organization.

Fear doesn’t ever really go away though. High performing groups still feel fear, but to lesser degrees as they practice moving through fears. Fear comes up, and they say "hi fear, thanks for coming out… I’m going to go do this thing I’m scared of anyway." That is how we expand to become better versions of ourselves. That is how the most successful people and organizations became successful. That is one way companies gain a competitive edge — create an environment where people feel safe to move through fears.

What Hypomania can look like?

I haven't blogged recently, this is because my energies have been directed at keeping me on course at work and it's been busy and challenging for me with a bit of a blip a few weeks back where I had more anxiety than I had  had for a long time.  I think I've managed to course correct and I feel better than I did a few weeks back.
I saw someone else blog regards what their BiPolar meant to them and as BiPolar and Hypomania is oft misunderstood I thought it might be worth explaining the Hypomanic state and what it can feel/look like,  I don't find myself with Hypomania very often as I'm more in the depths of anxiety and depression but when it does kick in it can feel very strange, partly because whilst it's happening I'm not very aware of it and it's only in looking back that I can reflect on it.
So looking back at my episodes of Hypomania what can I reflect on?

• It's racing thoughts and ideas, a feeling that you are a Superman
• It's obsessing over very small things such as skin tags and moles
• It's being hyper positive, saying 'yes' to multiple things at once and feeling that you are limitless and things need to happen now, right now
• It can be like your mind has a 100 search engines open at once
• It's a feeling that you are late when there is no deadline but things need to happen fast
• It's a feeling that you have all the answers and speaking at 100mph

It's all the above and none of them and it's only after an episode that I reflect on them, a very normal Hypomanic episode for me is me going from an empty social diary to booking in something almost every day for a month, it's like the opposite of catastrophe thinking when you have anxiety where you think you can make things happen/succeed at will.
I'm learning that this is all a part of my BiPolar and with medication and therapy I'm learning to navigate this better and trying hard to see if I can identify warning signs as normally i rely on other people noticing that I'm manic.