Suicidal Thoughts ( thoughts on thoughts )

This is going to be difficult because once I publish this then my family can read it, so I approach this BLOG with trepidation as it’s a subject that Ive only lightly touched on with all my family.
How do you talk to other folks about Suicidal Thoughts who have never experienced them before?   I told my dad last year: “When I say I’ve had a good month, it means a haven’t been consumed with thoughts on failure or even fleeting thoughts on dying.”  My Dad is straight up working class and has never struggled with his Mental Health as far as I can tell, I think it may be different for my Mum, though undiagnosed  — and it’s often hard for me to explain to them what it’s like to deal with navigating my BiPolar.   They are though always very concerned about me.

Let me be straight, Its very rare I have ‘people would be better off without me’ thoughts and I’m also a coward so Im not sure I could ever do anything about it.  I really cant get my head around self harm for instance as I just have no frame of reference at all.  I imagine that its  quite human to want to end our struggling and protect others from our struggle by absenting ourself from Life, it’s the very extreme of hiding away under the bed covers for weeks on end, just that you cannot come back from it. I know many who struggle as I do. I know many struggle greater than I do, most I imagine, some less. I know that this is first world problems & my heart hurts when I see the Injustices that other nations have and I have all the material stuff and benefits of the UK.  While I know I’m not alone in my frustration, I can feel alone even when surrounded by friends and family, that sounds counter intuitive I bet. Almost always the thoughts of Carol & the children rush my mind and save me from myself, so though I have absolutely catastrophic thoughts about professional failure I don’t have to deal with the stark reality of Suicidal thoughts very often. I think that whomever or whatever you put before yourself, is what you need to hold onto in those moments. By that I mean those you hold up as the most precious people in your life.  Allow yourself to feel everything but don’t live constantly in a Rut of your negative thoughts if you can absolutely do something to pull back from them, the quaint phrase that everyone uses is ‘This too shall pass’ and its true but in the dark moments you don’t feel that.  It may oft pass in a very painful way for you but it will pass and you have to foregive yourself at that point. Foregive yourself the awful things that you contemplated, the awful outcomes you fleetingly sought.  Passing out the other side of the dark means that you can tell people that things can & do get better ………………..

Depression is of course, tinged with feelings of great sadness, the worst though can be the numbness, the inability to get out of bed and face the world. Whether life was/is good or bad, I could be numb to it all. Again the everyone is better off without me thoughts can surface in your everyday life.    You can feel that you only have negative energy and negative thoughts.  Depression is a Liar and a Thief, It lies about your head and it steals your time.   The problem is the warped thinking can become your truth,  we have to call this imposter out in our lives  if we are to tackle what might lead us down the rabbit hole into Suicidal thoughts.  As ever all this is easier said than done.  I’ve never looked to take my own life, I’ve never planned it like others, I have thought about it,  even thinking about is a scary visceral reminder that thoughts and thinking are very powerful even when they are not facts, problem is with the small number of colleagues and friends that have acted this out I have only ever found out about their Suicidal thoughts too late, far too late, that’s not to say that you can have any Psychic thinking ( we all know that Psychics don’t exist don’t we / they are con artists so we cant have that ), what we can try to have is I guess a degree of discernment with ourselves and our friends.
This Blog post is as much a reminder and reassurance for myself as it is for anyone reading it. I’m not a mental health expert, but I do know how it feels to be in a really dark place and how challenging it can be. First of all, although it might feel like it, you are most definitely not alone, YANA, write that down somewhere and refer to it often, ‘You are Not Alone’. ALSO ‘This too Shall pass’, maybe very very painful but it will pass, there will be better days.  I know you can feel like the loneliest person out there; even when you are surrounded by loads of people, you can still feel alone and empty inside. But that’s not normally the factual, you feel it, but feelings are not facts. There are lots of people who want to help if you ask them. You need to let your family and friends love and support you through your difficult times when you are having really negative thoughts. That’s what they would want to be there for, they would not want to find out about your Suicidal thoughts too late, finding out too late for them is going to be the most painful experience in their loves if that happens.  I now have an agreement with both my Sons and my Wife that I will up front tell them when Im blue and I will Whatsapp them how Im feeling when I enter into a really Rut tyope episode, did that recently and it was actually uplifting when I could tell them that I had come out the other side.  Don’t feel like you’re a “burden” to them. Think of it like this: They would much rather help support you through a difficult time than not know about it and find stuff out when its too late, don’t let your friends contend with your absence and the feelings that they are too late, reach out if you can, please. It can be scary being honest about Suicidal thoughts, about any aspect of your Mental Health,  but it’s essential, particularly with Mental Health professionals who are aiding your navigation with medication and therapy. Friends are normally pretty hard to shock, really,  honestly, they are, you will be surprised how they will come alongside you even though your head is saying that they wont want to, friends and family just normally will be there.

Now the twee bits again:-
YANA – ‘You are Not Alone’.         ‘This too shall Pass.’               ‘The world needs you, and you are too valuable to lose.’        Work wise – ‘You are a Unique diverse part of your work force.’

Peace.

VulnerableMan ....... Superhero (sic)

Vulnerability

Hopefully this stream makes sense ……………….

Sadly I think Im more vulnerable than most, some friends play this back to me as they feel that when talking with me they hear about the good and the bad of life, most people responding to ‘are you okay?’ with ‘Im fine’, I’ll generally respond with ‘okay-ish’ or I’ll certainly paraphrase where I currently am navigating my mental health, I think that’s because Im very aware of where my headspace is.   This means that when a lot of friends talk to me there isn’t as much room for small talk as there would be with others, this can mean that people view you as needy though luckily my close friend views me as vulnerable and is generally very supportive.

Ive just navigated through a dodgy BiPolar episode containing mania, anxiety and depression (low mood), I think Im out the other side, doesn’t mean Im 100% though as Im still vulnerable, I think this is because I struggle to attain a position of resilience with my mental health, Im keen to try and stay at work, though Ive had 3 major BiPolar episodes this year Ive only had 12 sick days off work which is a much better result than previous years but it takes a lot of energy and it doesn’t mean Im at work and 100%.  When explaining to my Mum & Dad where I am with my BiPOlar I think they view it as quite Binary, at work = Well, off work = Unwell.  Its not that simple.

I’ve now spent a lot of my, especially recent, working life letting my mental health consume me and Im trying to fight back against that at the moment.  Tools in the toolbox work for me but I don’t often get the residual benefit so I don’t get the resilience in place when Im in a better place headspace wise than at the peak of an episode.  I don’t really want to be known as the sick one but the Spoiler is that I am the sick one generally as Im navigating my condition > 50% of the time.  However I have learnt in recent times that there is no shame in being the sick one and no shame talking about it, in fact feedback from talking about it is that this helps people in the workplace so that’s encouraging benefit of being ‘Out’ with my mental health I guess.

So in fact being vulnerable gives me an outlet to be honest about my condition and the affects on my working practice, I can discuss creeping anxiety with work collegaues, I can talk about my working day/week with my Manager and being vulnerable shows others that they are not alone.  Our navigation of our conditions will no doubt differ but perhaps an honest discourse about mental health is a worthwhile benefit offshoot from this approach.  

Navigate the Dark, Celebrate the small Victories, Repeat

Tony

Anxiety in the UK

I'm not sure whats going on with my head at the moment, the anxiety with my BiPolar II has got a pernicious grip on me it seems.  I was meant to be at a party Saturday night which I didnt go to and band practice today which I didnt go to.  I missed work Weds thru Friday last week where I was just staring at the screen and not able to really work out what im doing with stuff that 3 weeks earlier I think I was fine with, like the rug was pulled out from under my confidence ....... hard to explain, hard to understand why?  I often cant spot triggers, its not simple.  At the Mental Health appointment on Friday we discussed navigating the condition and again the phrase was aired that the fog is temporary and the landscape is permanent.  I see that more and more as the years pass.  I've had immediate meds changed and I hope that means I can attack next week better, I hope so. 

Why can anxiety be so pernicious: -

Anxiety provoking thoughts seem to be resistant, rather than getting better the more thought you give them, they often get worse.

Albert Einstein has said we can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them, thats right as its probably warped thinking that has created the anxietal thinking and unless I can change my thinking, additional thinking is often stuck in the processes that created the anxiety.   This is where mindfulness comes in but its not a silver bullet and sometimes I find there isn't a huge residual benefit.  I Still try to use tools from my mental health toolbox though.

When we behave in ways that reflect the anxiety we have then we have our Nervous System still holding the fight or flight prickliness response and the anxiety persists.  Im told we need to access our parasympathetic nervous system and behave as though everything is fine, this is easier said than done, often the problem with reading around subjects. The advice in books sounds simple but putting it into practice is hard.  I must have 8/9 books on Anxiety and BiPolar now and often the advice sounds so obvious.

Research has I think supported that when you ask someone not to think about something, they think about that thing,  I find that pernicious about Anxiety.  I cant kid it, it seems I cant fool it.  Though its fooling me I guess.  Rumination during anxiety seems to make the anxiety deeper, like a record groove, it stays there, stuck.   

Apologies if this comes through as a whining blog, its not meant to, I was trying to think through by writing whats going on with me at the moment.  Trying to navigate the condition.

So many tools, so frustrating progress seems the pattern ............

Tools I often try to use: -
Mindfulness
CBT
Exercise ( walking the dog )
Throwing bad thoughts away  ( writing them on paper and putting in the bin )
Visualise a positive outcome  ( easier said than done )
Counting your Blessings
Bath before Bedtime ( to help Sleep )
Serve ( help others, service aides empathy, empathy aides well being )
Write poetry ( creativity ) song lyrics

Wish there was something that helped with short term Memory

~FIN~

Stuff

Not 100% sure what I’m trying to get across here, little bit stream of conciousness I guess.  I think I’m just trying to underline all the reasons that with my BiPolar II that I doubt myself in many ways due to lots of different factors.  At the mens wellbeing group at NIS this week I talked about the Devil on my shoulder.

Im prone to occasionally doubting my diagnosis, devil on my shoulder making me think that Im maybe malingering, imagining things or just not trying hard enough to be well, whatever that really means.  I visualise my battle by talking about navigating my condition, like a ship on the seas,  through that tryng to live the best life I can with the BiPolar II condition that I have.  BUT I think its true to say that educating yourself helps to get to a more functional life, the more you know, the better you can fight, however there still are no silver bullets.

I have some doubts about medication as well, some books will look at different meds and treatment approaches but ultimately I want to trust my GP and Mental Health case worker to be taking the right decisions on medication and therapy for me, I don’t really want to second guess them so too much information can be worrying for me in that area.  I don’t want to be too unsure about my medication by having too much information.  My Mental Health case worker always asks me about medication changes with the vernacular ‘ how do you feel about that’ as a change so Im pretty comfortable with that relationship and manage to avoid most ‘health anxiety’ regards medication but not all. An area where I do have ‘health anxiety’ is with the weight gain that I have experienced in the last 18 months, I’ve read that the meds can cause this also the condition itself presents with this as well, I know I really need to attack my exercise regime and work against my lack of motivation in this area as well as I’m keen to try and correct my over eating, portion sizes of my meals.

I fear the unknown around my condition and can get quite het up if I have symptoms that I really don’t understand.  Its recently been brought to my attention that as well as hypomanic, depressive and anxietal episodes you can have manic/hypomanic and depressive symptoms at the same time, called a mixed episode.  This was something that I hadn’t really unpicked with my GP as I was very confused about a recent episode last year where I was going around at 100mph once up & about but was still finding it hard to get out of bed in the morning, I just thought maybe I was exhausted from the mania perhaps but the mixed episode explains it better. 

The https://imgur.com/gallery/zH9aRMX information from Jim Phelps is really useful in understanding and looking at the spectrum of the BiPolar II condition and its symptoms.  I totally recognise the symptoms in table 2.1 and where my symptoms generally sit.

Hope this adds to peoples understanding of BiPolar II a little.

***END***

Funny not Ha Ha!

I was inspired to write this after reading someone else post on The Mighty mental health BLOG.  My experience being different to them.  

I had a wobble yesterday and I think it was because I f&*ked up taking my medications the previous evening as well as experienced some unsettling news, I felt blue and I felt vulnerable, as if my resilience and stability was under threat.  I would just like to try and get across that a medication regime can at times be hard to follow and missing Meds can pull the rug from under someone................ hope that makes sense.

I take medications for my bipolar disorder. These medications are taken to help me keep emotionally and mentally regulated and grounded in my life.  Due to the concoction of pills the best time for me to take my pills every day is about 4/5pm.  This is due to the sedative nature of some of my Meds.   Every day around 5pm I take my pills BUT sometimes especially if Im buzzing/manic I can forget to take my pills, until much later or not at all ( very rare ).  The problem is that the disorder itself is disruptive and can make a daily routine task difficult to always adopt.   If I don't take my pills or take them at a different time it really knocks me off my stride.   I use a pillbox in the kitchen by the mobile phone recharging as that seems to be a really good place as a reminder to me.

Every now and then, something happens and I miss my pills. This then means that I'm basically not optimal that evening and the next day, taking pills later affects sleep in a major way AND not taking them at all has an even more exreme affect on my next day.  Im not expecting sympathy because obviously if you are prescribed medicine then the expectation is that you will take them religiously in order to get the affect that is expected BUT hopefully this post will just help you understand that though there are peaks and troughs with any mental health disorder there can also be self inflcted minor hills and valleys as well.

I can get "funny" feelings when missing pills,   "funny" feelings are mostly the physical things and sensations that happen within me. These sensations usually come on between 3-7 hours after I have missed my daily dose of medication.  The sleep affecting stuff generally impacts the next day.

"Funny" feelings:

1. Sight gets a little cloudy

2. A sensation of dizziness at times.

3. Odd skin sensations.  Some of this can be the prickling anxiety that I forgot my Meds and took them later off schedule.

4. Clenched fists or other muscle tightness.

5. Digestive issues. Reflux etc, this one is very odd.

6. Tightness in the chest.

7. Sounds become far away or like waves in my ears.

8. Brain farts, I seem to become more forgetful, more randomly applied to my work

9. Just a feeling of not being "with it."

10. A sensation of separateness from what is happening currently.

So these "funny" feelings are not so funny and not all appear every time, so I make sure to get back on my regular medication routine as soon as I can.  This is I guess just another aspect of navigating your mental health that has to be factored into your life, really need to keep on top of medication regimes.

***END***

Lonely this Christmas ..........

So, where to start, loneliness at christmas is a real issue and it's something that can go unnoticed as the majority of folks are enjoying team meals, family gatherings, social nights out, at this time there will always be some folks who are isolated, perhaps through age, perhaps through social awkwardness, perhaps for family disconnection or other reasons.

Though loneliness can affect all people, it has been suggested from studies that 1 in 3 25-34 year old men feel lonely during the christmas period.  Unmarried and Widowers are affected most and job security and attending christmas parties seem to be the main worries manifesting.  Research by the Priory Group seems to suggest that 25-34 year old males face loneliness, anxiety, other pressures during this busiest time of the year.

Loneliness and Worry can become overwhelming for all folks at Christmas and peoples main concerns seem to be Christmas parties, Finances, Work pressure, Worrying about the upcoming new year, Spending time with families.

However if we have time there are some things that the rest of us can do at Christmas in trying to help alleviate loneliness and worry for those that experience that at this time of year  ( Invite someone to a festive meal ( some people need an alternative to their own family ) , Invite someone on a winter walk , Encourage a friend to attend a festive gathering ( some people will go out of their way to avoid cultural social events ) ).  However we need to be sensitive in that we must not force people to jolly up, understanding them when engaging with them.  This Huffington Post article is very good ( and has a section on how to improve mental health at christmas ) and the YouTube video is something to meditate on …………..

http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/mental-health-struggles-with-the-pressure-of-christmas-what-to-do_uk_5a1e9fb7e4b0cb0e917caea2

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IYc85A8f2CM

Wishing you the best of the season and encouraging people to think outside their own bubbles this christmas.

first BLOG for ages ............ Good & Bad times

So apologies having blogged quite often during some real hard yards of my life I have negated to BLOG for about 6 months where things have gone from bad to actually a better place.  I want to update you all on my experiences of my BiPolar and navigating the illness at home and at work.   This is partly a reaction to an American lady posting recently on The Mighty about her BiPolar journey and so I may steal some stuff and hopefully end up with an interesting BLOG, I’ll let you judge that.

In 1990 I had my first mental health episode but it wasn’t until September 2015 that I was diagnosed with biPolar and the strategy with my ilnesses was over time shaped more to answer the questions that BiPolar asked and to help me with my condition.  To steal someone elses words …………….. When you realize you have a mental illness, I believe you learn to be more self-aware, to be vulnerable and strong.  I agree with this but I think an awful lot of navigation and learning happens and though you can end up Strong you still occasionally break however much you try not to.

When I was diagnosed with Cyclythymia prior to my BiPolar diagnosis I remember being terrified of telling my work colleagues about my Mental Health and thinking apart from with very close friends I would need to hide it all. I remember thinking they would judge me and disown me — I would become the weakling in the work force, too fragile to be effective. What I now realize is that I would gather tools that would help me cope with more than just my mental health, but with life in general and I saw a Ruby Wax documentary on Channel 4 where I decided I would be open and honest about my Mental Health in the work place, it was part of me and even when diagnosed with BiPolar I didn’t shy away from that. It hasn’t been the easiest process, not everybody listens but ultimately I have found my Aviva colleagues supportive and willing to try and understand.  I have to also say that my Managers have in the main been very supportive.

Below I use someone elses words with a few alterations to make it me that I think detail the differences between Mania & Depression really well, Im a Depressive with occasional Mania, not someone who is Manic lots of the time …… I find the Mania quite refreshing sometimes as it breaks my low mood.

“Before I understood my bipolar diagnosis, I just thought that mania was the creative, determined, hardworking, albeit irritable me and that the depression that came after was the sad, tired me. Depression, I understood. All too well. We are reluctant friends who do not like each other, yet find comfort in our quiet. Mania – well, she was new.

Mania comes in, kicks the door down and says, “I want all your attention” But after a while everyone around gets tired of Mania. Mania wants to work all day, fast, wants to plan projects and jobs without thinking it through. Mania wants to write poetry at 11 p.m. When everyone is sleeping, Mania wants to listen to music – loud. Mania says, “Don’t go to sleep, you’ll miss out on all the fun.” Mania thinks three hours of sleep is sufficient. Mania talks back to people and snaps at strangers and friends. Mania says no one else does anything as good as me so I must do everything for everybody. Mania says I’m witty. Mania says I tell the best stories and that I really can do strange things  in the backgarden at 10 p.m., when I really know nothing about them. Mania says I’m fat and that I need to do something about it right now. Mania wants to talk to strangers and make new friends. Mania wants to paint the house at 1 a.m. on a Tuesday. Mania tells me that the people I love are in my way and that I don’t need them as much as I really do. Mania tells me I don’t have to talk to my partner about decisions and says my partner is probably better off alone. Mania says I don’t have to answer to anyone. Mania tells me to buy buy buy comic books off ebay, just don’t tell anyone how many. Mania likes me, maybe even loves me…. until she doesn’t. 

Then Depression decides to move in, carrying more luggage than necessary to do the job. Depression is like an old coat that no one likes. Wooly. Scratchy. Ugly. Smelly. Sad. Depression always overstays its visit. Depression is constantly unpacking baggage. Depression tells me I’m tired, sad and lonely. Depression sulks and cries for no reason. Depression tell me I’m worthless and that I haven’t lived up to my potential so just give up, you cant do that day job anymore, its beyond you. Depression tells me that no one likes me. Depression tells me I’m fat and my face is looking old and nothing I do can help. Depression says not to smile or laugh. Depression tells me it is better to stay in bed. Depression tells me I’m a bad Dad to my children. Depression says I have ruined them. Depression wants to be in the dark, keep the shades closed. Depression cries with me and sometimes I can even find comfort in Depression.  Depression makes me selfish and inward looking.”

Hope that makes sense to someone and perhaps helps.

The key thing is that in the last 18 months I have felt the above way about Mania and Depression and work, family etc but for 4-5 months now I have been in a really good place most of the time though Im still navigating my BiPolar day to day and I’ve felt that it has been a bridge to people as I have been able to speak about it within Aviva to my colleagues, People Managers and even one session with our Life CIO and I’m glad that I have been able to perhaps help a few people with their Wellbeing.

Tony x