I just noticed that during an episode in 2014 I turned to writing long hand old snail mail letters. I may do this again in the coming weeks, assuming that on Wednesday we decide with the GP that I will travel to the USA.
It was therapeutic last year and I always have burning topics that I like to get off my chest. I need to listen to those around me though and not bounce around between low mood and mania.
Tuesday, 28 July 2015
Today I have 'Hope'. Yesterday was a 'Cage'.
I rarely blog.
I don't have people read my blog.
I don't really know what makes a satisfactory blog.
11th to 17th May 2015 was Mental Health Awareness week, my 51st Birthday was in there on the 16th, last year my 50th though full of great memories was also tinged with sadness as I celebrated it with the spectre of my anxiety and depression hanging over it. I look back at photos of last year and I can see that I'm not there fully, I'm absent, my face looks almost like someone else.
Mental Health is hard to explain to folks, every experience of an episode of troubles is unique though obviously symptoms are shared amongst sufferers. The most eloquent thing I can say about it is that my episodes see my emotions flattened and my body thinking 50-95% of the time that I'm in a fight for my life, andrenaline flooding me. I have never been able to quite understand what my triggers might be, apart from it's complex.
Earlier this year I weathered an oncoming storm, I saw the signs that things were not right and I was able to seek interventions both medical and therapeutic and remain at work. I was elated and excited that I had beaten the Black Dog. I thought I was stable, I thought I would be able to celebrate my 51st and look back on photographs that saw myself incumbent in the moments and not absent.
However the elation turned into manicness and I buzzed for a while and then I sunk. I didn't notice and see a secondary set of signs and though I was overwhelmed by depression and anxiety I tried to work through it. For 3 weeks between 8 and 9 in the mornings as work and later in those days I sat paralysed at work, unable to solve problems, analyse issues, run work, decide what to do, I was effectively like the duck, possibly looking serene though absent on the surface BUT underneath I was prickly with adrenaline and my webbed feet were flapping away, problem is I wasn't moving anywhere. I was also prone to oversharing, 'I'm rubbish', 'I'm not effective','I'm not able to do this','I'm ........', well you get it.
My wife and my manager both asked me to get to the GP, I got to the GP and the only immediate thing that he could do was take me out of the workplace. I have now been off for 7 weeks. It has taken 6 weeks to access a Mental Health Nurse in the NHS and that was with me overwhelmed with anxiety, buzzing and prickling with andrenaline being incredibly pushy BUT also being incredible incoherent I think in eMails and Phone Calls.
I have spent every day trying to get better, trying to practice 'Mindfulness' as launded by Ruby Wax and others. I have spent every day using the Happify App to try and take the CBT style tracks and rewire my head whilst accessing the Mental Health services. I have spent every day thinking I'm worthless and thinking I'm not getting anywhere.
In being absent from my life I have engaged with family events but I have not felt the normal emotions that a Grandchilds birthday should provide, Nieces birthdays, then felt guilty that I wasn't as excited as I should have been about my new GrandDaughters birth. First world problems, I'm not fighting for my life in a conflict or escaping tyranny, why is my head giving over to negative impressions so much more than anything positive, weighting those negative ruminations with so much that they wipe the positive ones away so quickly. I was signing off any correspondence with 'I hate my head' which is tantamount to 'I hate myself'. I have had great support from friends and family however that doesn't change me, I wasn't able to turn this 'Titanic' around and it felt in rumination that I was heading for an iceberg.
There is so much that I could say, that I could try and explain, that would probably exist as gibberish, there are challenges ahead as things were not right and are still not right, there are dark thoughts that none of you would recognise as me, however ................
Things have moved on, medication has been adjusted 3/4 times by GP and MHN. I have Talking Therapy underway, I still prickle, I still am in a low mood and hungover much of the time with the more tranquilising Meds I'm taking but today I have 'Hope' ................
'Hope'
I rarely blog.
I don't have people read my blog.
I don't really know what makes a satisfactory blog.
11th to 17th May 2015 was Mental Health Awareness week, my 51st Birthday was in there on the 16th, last year my 50th though full of great memories was also tinged with sadness as I celebrated it with the spectre of my anxiety and depression hanging over it. I look back at photos of last year and I can see that I'm not there fully, I'm absent, my face looks almost like someone else.
Mental Health is hard to explain to folks, every experience of an episode of troubles is unique though obviously symptoms are shared amongst sufferers. The most eloquent thing I can say about it is that my episodes see my emotions flattened and my body thinking 50-95% of the time that I'm in a fight for my life, andrenaline flooding me. I have never been able to quite understand what my triggers might be, apart from it's complex.
Earlier this year I weathered an oncoming storm, I saw the signs that things were not right and I was able to seek interventions both medical and therapeutic and remain at work. I was elated and excited that I had beaten the Black Dog. I thought I was stable, I thought I would be able to celebrate my 51st and look back on photographs that saw myself incumbent in the moments and not absent.
However the elation turned into manicness and I buzzed for a while and then I sunk. I didn't notice and see a secondary set of signs and though I was overwhelmed by depression and anxiety I tried to work through it. For 3 weeks between 8 and 9 in the mornings as work and later in those days I sat paralysed at work, unable to solve problems, analyse issues, run work, decide what to do, I was effectively like the duck, possibly looking serene though absent on the surface BUT underneath I was prickly with adrenaline and my webbed feet were flapping away, problem is I wasn't moving anywhere. I was also prone to oversharing, 'I'm rubbish', 'I'm not effective','I'm not able to do this','I'm ........', well you get it.
My wife and my manager both asked me to get to the GP, I got to the GP and the only immediate thing that he could do was take me out of the workplace. I have now been off for 7 weeks. It has taken 6 weeks to access a Mental Health Nurse in the NHS and that was with me overwhelmed with anxiety, buzzing and prickling with andrenaline being incredibly pushy BUT also being incredible incoherent I think in eMails and Phone Calls.
I have spent every day trying to get better, trying to practice 'Mindfulness' as launded by Ruby Wax and others. I have spent every day using the Happify App to try and take the CBT style tracks and rewire my head whilst accessing the Mental Health services. I have spent every day thinking I'm worthless and thinking I'm not getting anywhere.
In being absent from my life I have engaged with family events but I have not felt the normal emotions that a Grandchilds birthday should provide, Nieces birthdays, then felt guilty that I wasn't as excited as I should have been about my new GrandDaughters birth. First world problems, I'm not fighting for my life in a conflict or escaping tyranny, why is my head giving over to negative impressions so much more than anything positive, weighting those negative ruminations with so much that they wipe the positive ones away so quickly. I was signing off any correspondence with 'I hate my head' which is tantamount to 'I hate myself'. I have had great support from friends and family however that doesn't change me, I wasn't able to turn this 'Titanic' around and it felt in rumination that I was heading for an iceberg.
There is so much that I could say, that I could try and explain, that would probably exist as gibberish, there are challenges ahead as things were not right and are still not right, there are dark thoughts that none of you would recognise as me, however ................
Things have moved on, medication has been adjusted 3/4 times by GP and MHN. I have Talking Therapy underway, I still prickle, I still am in a low mood and hungover much of the time with the more tranquilising Meds I'm taking but today I have 'Hope' ................
'Hope'
| synonyms: | aspiration, desire, wish, expectation, ambition, aim, plan, dream,daydream, pipe dream; More 'Hope' is essential to looking at the future and putting the breaks on negative ruminations. I understand the CBT work that I have done over the last 6/7 weeks, understood it's science in the way that it ought to work for me to rewire my head, I couldn't make it work though. It seems that I needed 'Hope' to be a key to that. It's early days ........ but I have had my first better days for months. Thanks to all my friends and family. |
Sunday, 29 June 2014
At Capstock this last weekend when I did my performance poetry during Bob's jazz hour, a lot of folks asked me for a copy of 'Anatomy of Toast', heres the poem if you asked for it ...................
Its as if I have never held you before
Never felt your serated crust
Felt the lightness of you
Crumpled your edge like dust
Its as if I have never seen you before
Never seen your gradual burnt surface
Seen the differences
Eyed the dark and brightness
Its as if I have never touched you before
Never caressed your mottled texture
Stroked the whole of you
Noticed your lack of moisture
Its as if I have never smelt you before
Never noticed an aromas sparsity
Inhaled the little scent thats there
To delay this experience is agony
Its as if I have never placed you before
Never felt you on my tongues tip
Rolled you around in my mouth
Felt you rub against my inner lip
Its as if I have never tasted you before
Never thought of you having flavour
Dry without butter amongst my saliva
A wet and delicious thing to savour
*** END ***
also at http://blackdogtribe.com/phpbbforum/viewtopic.php?f=224&t=18741#sthash.wWLoeXzd.dpuf
anatomy of toast
Its as if I have never held you before
Never felt your serated crust
Felt the lightness of you
Crumpled your edge like dust
Its as if I have never seen you before
Never seen your gradual burnt surface
Seen the differences
Eyed the dark and brightness
Its as if I have never touched you before
Never caressed your mottled texture
Stroked the whole of you
Noticed your lack of moisture
Its as if I have never smelt you before
Never noticed an aromas sparsity
Inhaled the little scent thats there
To delay this experience is agony
Its as if I have never placed you before
Never felt you on my tongues tip
Rolled you around in my mouth
Felt you rub against my inner lip
Its as if I have never tasted you before
Never thought of you having flavour
Dry without butter amongst my saliva
A wet and delicious thing to savour
*** END *** - See more at: http://blackdogtribe.com/phpbbforum/viewtopic.php?f=224&t=18741#sthash.wWLoeXzd.dpuf
anatomy of toastIts as if I have never held you before
Never felt your serated crust
Felt the lightness of you
Crumpled your edge like dust
Its as if I have never seen you before
Never seen your gradual burnt surface
Seen the differences
Eyed the dark and brightness
Its as if I have never touched you before
Never caressed your mottled texture
Stroked the whole of you
Noticed your lack of moisture
Its as if I have never smelt you before
Never noticed an aromas sparsity
Inhaled the little scent thats there
To delay this experience is agony
Its as if I have never placed you before
Never felt you on my tongues tip
Rolled you around in my mouth
Felt you rub against my inner lip
Its as if I have never tasted you before
Never thought of you having flavour
Dry without butter amongst my saliva
A wet and delicious thing to savour
*** END *** - See more at: http://blackdogtribe.com/phpbbforum/viewtopic.php?f=224&t=18741#sthash.wWLoeXzd.dpuf
Its as if I have never held you before
Never felt your serated crust
Felt the lightness of you
Crumpled your edge like dust
Its as if I have never seen you before
Never seen your gradual burnt surface
Seen the differences
Eyed the dark and brightness
Its as if I have never touched you before
Never caressed your mottled texture
Stroked the whole of you
Noticed your lack of moisture
Its as if I have never smelt you before
Never noticed an aromas sparsity
Inhaled the little scent thats there
To delay this experience is agony
Its as if I have never placed you before
Never felt you on my tongues tip
Rolled you around in my mouth
Felt you rub against my inner lip
Its as if I have never tasted you before
Never thought of you having flavour
Dry without butter amongst my saliva
A wet and delicious thing to savour
*** END ***
also at http://blackdogtribe.com/phpbbforum/viewtopic.php?f=224&t=18741#sthash.wWLoeXzd.dpuf
anatomy of toast
Its as if I have never held you before
Never felt your serated crust
Felt the lightness of you
Crumpled your edge like dust
Its as if I have never seen you before
Never seen your gradual burnt surface
Seen the differences
Eyed the dark and brightness
Its as if I have never touched you before
Never caressed your mottled texture
Stroked the whole of you
Noticed your lack of moisture
Its as if I have never smelt you before
Never noticed an aromas sparsity
Inhaled the little scent thats there
To delay this experience is agony
Its as if I have never placed you before
Never felt you on my tongues tip
Rolled you around in my mouth
Felt you rub against my inner lip
Its as if I have never tasted you before
Never thought of you having flavour
Dry without butter amongst my saliva
A wet and delicious thing to savour
*** END *** - See more at: http://blackdogtribe.com/phpbbforum/viewtopic.php?f=224&t=18741#sthash.wWLoeXzd.dpuf
Its as if I have never held you before
Never felt your serated crust
Felt the lightness of you
Crumpled your edge like dust
Its as if I have never seen you before
Never seen your gradual burnt surface
Seen the differences
Eyed the dark and brightness
Its as if I have never touched you before
Never caressed your mottled texture
Stroked the whole of you
Noticed your lack of moisture
Its as if I have never smelt you before
Never noticed an aromas sparsity
Inhaled the little scent thats there
To delay this experience is agony
Its as if I have never placed you before
Never felt you on my tongues tip
Rolled you around in my mouth
Felt you rub against my inner lip
Its as if I have never tasted you before
Never thought of you having flavour
Dry without butter amongst my saliva
A wet and delicious thing to savour
*** END *** - See more at: http://blackdogtribe.com/phpbbforum/viewtopic.php?f=224&t=18741#sthash.wWLoeXzd.dpuf
anatomy of toast
Its as if I have never held you before
Never felt your serated crust
Felt the lightness of you
Crumpled your edge like dust
Its as if I have never seen you before
Never seen your gradual burnt surface
Seen the differences
Eyed the dark and brightness
Its as if I have never touched you before
Never caressed your mottled texture
Stroked the whole of you
Noticed your lack of moisture
Its as if I have never smelt you before
Never noticed an aromas sparsity
Inhaled the little scent thats there
To delay this experience is agony
Its as if I have never placed you before
Never felt you on my tongues tip
Rolled you around in my mouth
Felt you rub against my inner lip
Its as if I have never tasted you before
Never thought of you having flavour
Dry without butter amongst my saliva
A wet and delicious thing to savour
*** END *** - See more at: http://blackdogtribe.com/phpbbforum/viewtopic.php?f=224&t=18741#sthash.wWLoeXzd.dpuf
Its as if I have never held you before
Never felt your serated crust
Felt the lightness of you
Crumpled your edge like dust
Its as if I have never seen you before
Never seen your gradual burnt surface
Seen the differences
Eyed the dark and brightness
Its as if I have never touched you before
Never caressed your mottled texture
Stroked the whole of you
Noticed your lack of moisture
Its as if I have never smelt you before
Never noticed an aromas sparsity
Inhaled the little scent thats there
To delay this experience is agony
Its as if I have never placed you before
Never felt you on my tongues tip
Rolled you around in my mouth
Felt you rub against my inner lip
Its as if I have never tasted you before
Never thought of you having flavour
Dry without butter amongst my saliva
A wet and delicious thing to savour
*** END *** - See more at: http://blackdogtribe.com/phpbbforum/viewtopic.php?f=224&t=18741#sthash.wWLoeXzd.dpuf
Tuesday, 18 March 2014
Dear Local MP
This will form the basis of my 2nd letter today, started early due to insomnia .............
https://secure.38degrees.org.uk/page/s/political-and-constitutional-reform-committee-poll#petition
Local MP to be written to on the basis of a premise that most [politicians] are likely hard-working and committed to improve the lives of people in the UK but the party political system often means they can't achieve much, also concerns that for our local MP that he has put his political career above teh good of the locality.
https://secure.38degrees.org.uk/page/s/political-and-constitutional-reform-committee-poll#petition
Local MP to be written to on the basis of a premise that most [politicians] are likely hard-working and committed to improve the lives of people in the UK but the party political system often means they can't achieve much, also concerns that for our local MP that he has put his political career above teh good of the locality.
I'm going to sit write down and write myself a letter ( not an eMail )
Today I posted on facebook ............ Okay ......... something new, or at least something that's new since 15-20 years ago. Letter Writing. I'm going to write a letter a day for the next 14 days to friends and family and maybe even a few politicians. I doubt I will blog about it BUT you never know ........
Actually I may write a couple of postcards instead of letters on a couple of days and may write poems to some folks, lets see how things develop.
Actually I may write a couple of postcards instead of letters on a couple of days and may write poems to some folks, lets see how things develop.
So I've started something that I want to see through and maybe Iv'e got something here that I can see through and get some therapy from. I need to feel worthwhile for all sorts of reasons and I think I have a small degree of creative bent, I'm hoping that this will give me a sense of achievement to some small degree and help with some mental health issues I have. Let's see.
Day 1 of 14 was a private letter but maybe there will be something to say further down the line.
Wednesday, 19 September 2007
Oh Dear !
I warn of the ravages of playing online poker, don't be seduced after hours of world chamionship snooker, there is no gold at the end of the potted rainbow.
I lasted 30 minutes in my first ever experience @ virgin poker today.
My methodist nan is currently turning in her grave, I also had a glass of red wine in hand as I played !
I lasted 30 minutes in my first ever experience @ virgin poker today.
My methodist nan is currently turning in her grave, I also had a glass of red wine in hand as I played !
Sunday, 16 September 2007
Unfinished work ............
We all have unfinished work left around, I found this lyric/poem behind the sofa, bit dusty but hopefully it works ..................
Reality Show
We're really sorry you've been delayed
But there's been an incident ahead
We hope your'e soon again underway
But I guess your'e rubber necking
wondering if someone is dead
Where we were once victorian
If you'r'e a natural historian
You know what you are seeing
It's the british way of being
Acting like life is one big reality show
We're swapping wives for the TV
At home it's another man's meat
Hope you're proud of this morality
But I guess relationships are limiting
and too easily we admit defeat
Where we were once victorian
If you're a natural historian
You know what you are seeing
It's the british way of being
Acting like life is one big reality show
Think the heat is getting to us
Our brains are fried up in OK
Dead people in the news ain't no fuss
Is this really Blairs Third Way
Don't listen to a word they say
Where we were once victorian
If you're a natural historian
You know what you are seeing
It's the british way of being
Knowing that life is now one big reality show
Reality Show
We're really sorry you've been delayed
But there's been an incident ahead
We hope your'e soon again underway
But I guess your'e rubber necking
wondering if someone is dead
Where we were once victorian
If you'r'e a natural historian
You know what you are seeing
It's the british way of being
Acting like life is one big reality show
We're swapping wives for the TV
At home it's another man's meat
Hope you're proud of this morality
But I guess relationships are limiting
and too easily we admit defeat
Where we were once victorian
If you're a natural historian
You know what you are seeing
It's the british way of being
Acting like life is one big reality show
Think the heat is getting to us
Our brains are fried up in OK
Dead people in the news ain't no fuss
Is this really Blairs Third Way
Don't listen to a word they say
Where we were once victorian
If you're a natural historian
You know what you are seeing
It's the british way of being
Knowing that life is now one big reality show
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