BiPolar Roller: Returning to Work

Its great that people these days want to break down barriers and taboos about mental health.  Usually this means talking about depression as many are affected by this in some way.   BiPolar is also surprisingly common, they say perhaps 1 in 100 have the condition though many are undiagnosed.  BiPolar can have depressive mood swings but also it has mania which means the treatment is different to just taking anti depressants.  I’m unsure that people understand BiPolar that well and just use the term too commonly to describe erratic behaviour or perhaps severe mood swings.

Becoming unwell

I was undiagnosed for 20 years, in fact until 5 years ago when a Psychiatrist put together my health history and my current episode and diagnosed me.  Some people can associate an initial diagnosis with specific triggers, I have never really been able to do that.  For me there are always a cocktail of things going on from work, personal life and my catastrophising headspace.  As well as the mania and depression I also have high anxiety as part of navigating my mental health.  For 20 years, not very often I had been signed off work occasionally with Stress, Anxiety, Depression, it seemed vaguely cyclical and the only medication given was anti depressants.

When I’m manic I don’t usually spot it, partly because my personality traits can be similar as I’m an extrovert, but my symptoms of mania are often high energy, talkative, jumping quickly from one thought to another, interrupting people, walking around at 100 mph at home and in the office, filling my diary with social events, buying tons of stuff on ebay ………..etc……….  I really need spotters at work and at home as I don’t see mania.  I can often feel/see low mood and anxiety coming though and  I work to navigate it.   With the mania I have often had to be seen by the Mental Health crisis team to evaluate where I am and what can I do to stabilise, stabilising being really hard and often a depressive crash coming after the manic episode.

Going back to work

After being off for 6 weeks this time, most of which is quite hazy to me as I was heavily medicated, I was eager to return to work. I like my job, love might be too strong a word, despite being asked by Mental Health nurses if it's really what I wanted to do.

Going back to work was scary; I was nervous. My boss has been incredible, HR have been supportive, explaining that no one was holding judgement of me and that they really wanted my return to work to be a success, that they wanted to try and do something different with this return to work rather than landing me how they have previously.  I’m grateful for this and was pleased to be able to have such an open conversation.  One of the things I’m worried about is that I’m nearly 55 years old and it seems that my episodes are getting nearer together now, they used to be 3 or 4 years apart but they seem more regular than that now and I really really don’t want my last years at work to be my worst years at work, to go out from my employment on a real low !?!   This has me in tears with the Boss which is very unusual.   However I digress and all I can say is that I’m getting really good support at work with a return to work plan and some different work to do than my usual work to see if there is something different that I can do.

I’m aiming through a return to work plan to become as robust and resilient in the workplace as I can be and to try and not have a hugely extended time away from work as that’s not good for me either.  Last year I had an episode and I managed to get my work duties adjusted without being off work for a 3,4 week period to try and get back to a good place where I was making a contribution in the workplace.  One thing that is often a hard battle is when my short term memory just refuses to play ball, I’m then having to write everything down at work and home.

Disclosure

I'm a pretty open person and so Im ‘out’ at work as someone with BiPolar, I’m not saying that this is an avenue that everyone would be comfortable in the workplace with?  I choose to tell people mostly because I’m always keen that people have as much information about what they are dealing with in a colleague, Im sometime afraid that it might come across as needy, its meant to be helpful and also to help other people as I’ve had folks contact me in the workplace and hopefully see me as a confidant for them as they navigate their own mental health challenges.

I have been lucky enough to be asked to talk to 2 Senior Leaders in the company about my BiPolar and I saw that as a great opportunity to push that those who navigate mental health conditions can be positive members of the workforce as part of a diverse workforce.  At the same time I appreciate that it can be disruptive when an episode occurs especially if some of the behaviours are evident in the workplace before efforts are taken to address them.

I do have to keep fighting with my catastrophising headspace that I’m not less than everyone else because of my condition, I often think that I contribute less than everyone else.

Warning signs

I'll normally disclose my condition at some point with anyone I work with closely, as I need their support in keeping an eye on me. I need spotters like my Boss, close colleagues and family to spot if I’m drifting into mania.  Whilst I manage my condition relatively well I think, I still like to have someone watching out in case they spot any symptoms. These include: higher energy than normal; working long hours; stress; talking very fast; jumping between thoughts, and not making sense. 

Finding fellowship

I’ve found that a number of us at work have bonded over mental health and that we support each other off the side of our desks and as part of the Wellbeing programme at work.  Its really important I feel to have these relationships in the workplace if you are lucky enough that that happens.

What you can do

I think the best advice that I can give is if someone chooses to confide in yourself, if you are worried about someone else, take it seriously and don’t treat it like its some debilitating ailment that you are scared of.

Perhaps ask "are you okay?" if you feel someone is acting out of character.  You probably want to do this in an appropriate 1:1 setting, perhaps get someone out for a cup of tea, paying attention and being willing to listen will often mean a lot to a colleague but it may mean a degree of commitment on your part.

Almost everyone is on the mental health spectrum, the human being is susceptible to stress, moods, anxiety, worry it’s just that some people bounce back naturally and some people less so.   Those with prevailing mental health challenges are just another diverse part of the human condition.

Hope this made sense & helps,

           Tony

My first ever stand up slot

This is my first ever stand up slot
Please by all means share constructive critique
Ive written all the material myself from the ground up

https://soundcloud.com/mezzaninedoor/stand_up_live_jurnets_2nd_may

Velcro for the Negative !

I havent blogged for a long while and I don't think I have often blogged when I'm actually in the midst of an episode.  So for once I'm doing that, hoping that it will be cathartic and also hoping that it will help some folks.

I've titled this 'velcro for the negative' which is a phrase that Ruby Wax used about herself and its something thats stuck in my mind and something thats apt to my current thinking, my current thinking being that Im catastrophising lots of local issuettes, family & self stuff,  we can become a sort of landing strip, velcro, for negative thoughts and its really hard to break that. 

Ive often talked about a toolbox for navigating my BiPolar and I've been trying to reach into that and break the cycle im in and also Im aware that people have seen me and my even think that Im actually okay, but Im not, below the surface much is going on and I've tried to stay socially active to try and keep this rut to a minimum, to try and navigate this but at the moment it feels that Im fining Mindfulness,  CBT, Talking Therapy, Exercise all quite difficult.   My GP said Im doing the right things but that still means that Im facing castatrophising when Im thinking about situations and Im not getting out of bed until 2pm some days because Id rather hide under the covers.  One thing that has helped me is a Buddhist Gratefulness medititation though, Im aware that I don't want to face the world but the last few times I've laid in after 12-14 hours sleep I have tried to apply this to my life and I've felt it help position myself for a half decent day, a chance to peel back that velcro to some degree.  Its funny because Ive helped run the 21 days of happiness back at work to help people with their mental health and even though I've helped run that and formulate the exercises with a colleague I haven't managed to learn the habits myself !!!  The idea is that it takes 21 days to form a habit like it takes 10000 hours to become an expert.   So the idea with any tool in our mental health tookbox really is that initially what we can hope for is that we get good habits as that happens quicker than any expertise with the tools.  Thats definitely true.

Im hoping that this rut will be limited and Im hoping that Im turning the corner with my headspace, today I have to self talk myself into performing at my Level 2 Graduation Improv show tonight, Im conflicted because Im off work sick but at the same time, though sometimes creatively im empty, Improv has been good for my mental health, another tool, another safe space, hopefully it will be okay and okay is probably good enough at the moment.

So Im not sure if Im making any sense, I was reading I think that a Buddhist Monk when talking to a Neuroscientist discussed that we are Nego-Centric as humans, made worse because the culture that we live in can constantly make us feel that we are lacking, that those around us can constantly make us feel that we are lacking ....... Added to that we have stress going on, the different types that say that  were not getting what we want, were getting what we dont want, trying to protect what we have, losing what were attached to, not good enough to achieve what we need to.   Wanting creates stress and feelings of deficiency or lack.   Like velcro all that negative stuff attaches on.   Basically we often really dont love ourselves or even like ourselves enough.   One friend once said I was the nicest person he knew, he may have even said it two or threee times however I have never felt I can believe that at face value ......... He cant have met many people to form that opinion.   I must be  a false pretender, says the devil on my shoulder.

We need to try and be grateful for what we have and not introduce the stress of wanting, we need to give ourselves the chance to love ourselves, we need to try and turn away from overt self criticism.  At the moment my biggest challenge is to try and get up out of bed in the morning and challenging the fear of every day that its going to be a disaster as normally it isnt.   We can be really judgemental and often we stand in judgement of ourselves far more than anyone else.   Talking Therapy will help me with this as well as good behavours but as ever there is no silver bullets for Mental Health.

Hope that makes some sense, is some help to folks,  We've got not just to be there for others we need to be there for ourselves as well.

As a Coda, a lot of friends have asked me recently, how can they help me?  The answer for me is just to continue to be good friends that don't judge me, ditch any pity for me and channel your compassion for people.  Dont say calm down or cheer up.  Overlook when Im perhaps being less of a friend than I should be, encourage me to be social and have a healthy lifestyle.

Peace x

Christmas Post ........ Ideas for Resilience as you Navigate Mental Health

Sometimes I know that my blog posts border on dissecting the negative aspects of Mental Health so I thought for a Christmas blog I would look at resilience and the kind of things that might help you navigating your mental health condition.  Resilience is something that I have always struggled with after a BiPolar episode, getting back to that place where things are not whirling around anxiously or low mood has you tied up in the mornings or mania is feeding a confidence frenzy and forward momentum beyond what others can cope with.  So think on the following as some good hygiene for resilience:-

Waking Up – Talk positively to yourself when you are carrying out your morning routine, try and dispel negative thoughts about the day ahead, visualise a successful day

Starting the Working Day – Get 1 or 2 tasks out of the way before you even reading your eMails***

Dealing with Distractions during the Working Day – Try and avoid leeting Social Media into your working day. Manage your eMail and communications, don’t let eMail manage you.

Mid Morning – Get up and walk somewhere away from your desk before returning to continue working

Morning – Try and carry out a short mindfulness exercise during the morning, even if this is just concentrating on the Breathe for 3/5 minutes

Lunchtime – Try and have a light lunch & a brisk walk

After Lunch – Same rule applies, Get 1 or 2 tasks out of the way before you even reading your eMails

Mid Afternoon - Try and carry out a short mindfulness exercise during the morning, even if this is just concentrating on the Breathe for 3/5 minutes

Afternoon – Find somewhere and do some stretches

Before finishing work for the day – Plan your first 1 or 2 tasks for ***

Reflection – It can be really good to Journal for resilience, a reflective diary can really give you insight into yourself and your navigation of your mental health

Evening – Approach the evening in a similar way to the working day, get any home tasks out of the way and then chill & relax, do stuff you and yours really like doing

& if you only do 1,2 or 3 of the above don’t ever beat yourself up , start again the next day

Tony

( in case I don’t blog again before Christmas, a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year )

'twas the night before Brexit ( poem/parody )

'twas the night before Brexit
And all through the House
Not a creature was stirring
Not even the Louse
The Primeminister sat down at Chequers with care
She could never be sure what Boris had done to her chair
The Cabinet were nestled all snug in their beds
Whilst naked visions of Mogg & Gove danced in their heads

Theresa in her stillettos and Raab being dab
Thinking about the DUP and what they would nab
When out on the lawn there was such a clatter
David Davis voice shouted out 'whats the matter'
Away to the window did May with a dash
As Juncker appeared on the lawn in a flash
Michael Barnier waved papers and made quite a show
Whilst Boris & Starmer stood there toe to toe

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear
But Jeremy Corbyn in his leathers with cheer
With a soundbite, he appeared so lively and quick
As he made his Brexit case and the Remainers quite sick
More rapid than Eagles, Jeremy Hunt came
And he called on all his Mps by name
Now Grayling Now Hammond Now Hancock Now Soubry
On Evans On Lewis On Liam Fox On McVey
To the top of Number Ten to the top of the Wall
Now all you Tories come answer Mays Call
She has you a Brexit that may not be what youd grasp
But you dont want Boris Hard One, it would sting like an asp

As Barniers barbs like a wild hurricane fly,
When Brexit meets an obstacle, it seems to reach to the Sky;
Socialmedia debates are raging out there too,
The Cabinets falling apart even with the Chief Whips glue,
And then in a twinkling, I heard that the truth
was that Boris was prancing with each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the corridors of Westminster Theresa was bound:
She was dressed all in red, from her head to her foot,
Rees Mogg and Davis chuckled, imagined her covered in soot;
A bundle of Memos were flung in her sack,
And she look'd like a peddler just opening her pack:
Her eyes- How they twinkled, her simple and merry
It felt like our Theresa had been at the Sherry
Her droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
Her face was ashen and as white as the snow,
Barnier had stumped her as she grinded her teeth
On the altar of Brexit she laid a great wreath.
Tusk was broad faced with a little round belly,
Theresa crying ‘Irish backstop’ all over the telly,
Chubby and plump like a jolly old elf
Boris still promised all the money for the National Health
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave me to know we had plenty to dread.
Theresa spoke not a word, she continued to work,
Arguing with the DUP & with Boris the jerk
And laying her finger aside of her nose
And giving a nod, from her desk she arose
She sprung to the Commons desk to announce with a whistle
The SNP listened hard with their suits dressed with thistle,
We heard her exclaim, as she summoned her might,
Brexit means Brexit and still my Chequers plan is right.

<FIN>

The Black Art of Normal

So I’ve called this BLOG ‘The Art of Normal’ because I think something we with Mental Health challenges to navigate ask ourselves ‘What is Normal?’,’Whatever Normal Is?’, it seems in reality being ‘Normal’ is a Black Art and actually I guess for me it feels like it might mean being Bland.   What I actually feel, after a number of years contemplating my BiPolar II, is that I want to be more even headspace wise and more resilient before, during and after episodes.   I think that’s probably the best I can ask for.

I’ve said before that the key thing to hold onto when you are in a dark place is that its likely that ‘You Are Not Alone (YANA)’, there will be folks facing the same challenges that you can perhaps link in with online or you may directly know but your Family & Friends are probably more forgiving that you think about your condition, some family’s are admittedly harder work than others though. I though have asked myself, “When will it end?” more times than I like to think. I, too, have questioned why I can’t just be “normal.”   If you’ve been in a dark place for a long time now, I want you to know you’re not alone.  It can be hard to know how to escape the darkness, or if it’s even possible.

I guess the twee advice here is ‘Look for the Light’, whatever lights your life up generally, for me currently my Grandchildren can spark a smile when nothing else can.  Reading a moldly old comic book can do it too or an old wobby set episode of Tom Baker Doctor Who.

I understand that when we want to feel ‘normal’ we can also feel ‘hopeless’.

Here are some posts from The Mighty that may help you: -

https://themighty.com/?utm_source=newsletter_custom&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Voices_Suicide#post=5bad958ca1436600c1f99d2a

https://themighty.com/?utm_source=newsletter_custom&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Voices_Suicide#post=5bacf7ca39a52c00fd855b49

https://themighty.com/?utm_source=newsletter_custom&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Voices_Suicide#post=5bacbfafb905a6011b8fce6b

Resources like the Mighty can be useful when you feel hopeless, we will be exposed to Happy & Sad however we need to hold onto the Happy stuff as hard as we can and grab more of it.

Peace.

    Tony

21 Days Later ................. World Mental Health AwarenessDay today

Today is World Mental Health Awarenss Day.

In the Office Im facilitating a challenge with folks with a colleague called '21 Days of Happiness'.
It might sound a bit twee but when another colleague did this earlier this year in the workplace everyone who did the challenge saw an uplift in their happiness, we are getting them to do a survey before and after to self assess levels of happiness in order to know.

I thought as quite a few people have been reading my BLOG lately that people might benefit from this challenge so I'm going to set you up for that and it's up to you whether you have a go.

The 21 Days challenge is also based on the fact that its perceived that it takes 21-30 days for something to become a habit, I think its also bandied around that if you spend 10000 hours on something that you become an expert.  Don't know about that as I've spent way more than 10000 hours as a human being and I don't think I'm an expert.

So, these are the tasks if you want to try the challenge:-

	Exercise
Wednesday 10th October

• Mindfulness – There are many documented benefits to meditation including reducing the negative effects of stress, mild depression and anxiety. According to Acor, meditation also allows us to get over our cultural ADHD, that has us focusing on more than one thing at once. It allows the mind to quiet and opens us up to new possibilities.

Thursday 11th October	Write three new things you are grateful for – This helps train your brain to scan the world for the positive things first, rather than focusing on the negative things. Gratitude has long been linked to increased happiness and it’s surprising how quickly your life can improve with this simple practice.
Friday 12th October	Journal about one positive thing that has happened in the past 24 hours, this process allows your brain to relive the positive experience. There are many options for journaling, online with sites such as Penzu or a hand-written journal. Writing by hand, rather than digitally, has been shown to increase learning, which might be helpful when you’re trying to change thought patterns.
Saturday 13th October	Exercise for at least 15 minutes –  exercise increases your levels of dopamine, energy, and helps improve your overall sense of well being.
Sunday 14th October	Mindfulness – There are many documented benefits to meditation including reducing the negative effects of stress, mild depression and anxiety. According to Acor, meditation also allows us to get over our cultural ADHD, that has us focusing on more than one thing at once. It allows the mind to quiet and opens us up to new possibilities.
Monday 15th October	Random acts of kindness – In Acor’s study, he had participants write one positive email that praised someone in their social network, but there are many ways to perform random acts of kindness. Get creative and have fun, you will not only make someone else’s day, but it will improve your own.
Tuesday 16th October	Write three new things you are grateful for – This helps train your brain to scan the world for the positive things first, rather than focusing on the negative things. Gratitude has long been linked to increased happiness and it’s surprising how quickly your life can improve with this simple practice.
Wednesday 17th October	Journal about one positive thing that has happened in the past 24 hours
Thursday 18th October	Exercise for at least 15 minutes
Friday 19th October	Mindfulness
Saturday 20th October	Random acts of kindness
Sunday 21st October	Write three new things you are grateful for
Monday 22nd October	Journal about one positive thing that has happened in the past 24 hours
Tuesday 23rd October	Exercise for at least 15 minutes
Wednesday 24th October	Mindfulness
Thursday 25th October	Random acts of kindness
Friday 26th October	Write three new things you are grateful for
Saturday 27th October	Journal about one positive thing that has happened in the past 24 hours
Sunday 28th October	Exercise for at least 15 minutes
Monday 29th October	Mindfulness
Tuesday 30th October	Write what you are grateful for from the 21 days of Happiness challenge – perhaps journal this but equally think about a BLOG or a POEM or anything creative as writing goes

Good Luck if you choose to try this.

Tony