VulnerableMan ....... Superhero (sic)

Vulnerability

Hopefully this stream makes sense ……………….

Sadly I think Im more vulnerable than most, some friends play this back to me as they feel that when talking with me they hear about the good and the bad of life, most people responding to ‘are you okay?’ with ‘Im fine’, I’ll generally respond with ‘okay-ish’ or I’ll certainly paraphrase where I currently am navigating my mental health, I think that’s because Im very aware of where my headspace is.   This means that when a lot of friends talk to me there isn’t as much room for small talk as there would be with others, this can mean that people view you as needy though luckily my close friend views me as vulnerable and is generally very supportive.

Ive just navigated through a dodgy BiPolar episode containing mania, anxiety and depression (low mood), I think Im out the other side, doesn’t mean Im 100% though as Im still vulnerable, I think this is because I struggle to attain a position of resilience with my mental health, Im keen to try and stay at work, though Ive had 3 major BiPolar episodes this year Ive only had 12 sick days off work which is a much better result than previous years but it takes a lot of energy and it doesn’t mean Im at work and 100%.  When explaining to my Mum & Dad where I am with my BiPOlar I think they view it as quite Binary, at work = Well, off work = Unwell.  Its not that simple.

I’ve now spent a lot of my, especially recent, working life letting my mental health consume me and Im trying to fight back against that at the moment.  Tools in the toolbox work for me but I don’t often get the residual benefit so I don’t get the resilience in place when Im in a better place headspace wise than at the peak of an episode.  I don’t really want to be known as the sick one but the Spoiler is that I am the sick one generally as Im navigating my condition > 50% of the time.  However I have learnt in recent times that there is no shame in being the sick one and no shame talking about it, in fact feedback from talking about it is that this helps people in the workplace so that’s encouraging benefit of being ‘Out’ with my mental health I guess.

So in fact being vulnerable gives me an outlet to be honest about my condition and the affects on my working practice, I can discuss creeping anxiety with work collegaues, I can talk about my working day/week with my Manager and being vulnerable shows others that they are not alone.  Our navigation of our conditions will no doubt differ but perhaps an honest discourse about mental health is a worthwhile benefit offshoot from this approach.  

Navigate the Dark, Celebrate the small Victories, Repeat

Tony

Anxiety in the UK

I'm not sure whats going on with my head at the moment, the anxiety with my BiPolar II has got a pernicious grip on me it seems.  I was meant to be at a party Saturday night which I didnt go to and band practice today which I didnt go to.  I missed work Weds thru Friday last week where I was just staring at the screen and not able to really work out what im doing with stuff that 3 weeks earlier I think I was fine with, like the rug was pulled out from under my confidence ....... hard to explain, hard to understand why?  I often cant spot triggers, its not simple.  At the Mental Health appointment on Friday we discussed navigating the condition and again the phrase was aired that the fog is temporary and the landscape is permanent.  I see that more and more as the years pass.  I've had immediate meds changed and I hope that means I can attack next week better, I hope so. 

Why can anxiety be so pernicious: -

Anxiety provoking thoughts seem to be resistant, rather than getting better the more thought you give them, they often get worse.

Albert Einstein has said we can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them, thats right as its probably warped thinking that has created the anxietal thinking and unless I can change my thinking, additional thinking is often stuck in the processes that created the anxiety.   This is where mindfulness comes in but its not a silver bullet and sometimes I find there isn't a huge residual benefit.  I Still try to use tools from my mental health toolbox though.

When we behave in ways that reflect the anxiety we have then we have our Nervous System still holding the fight or flight prickliness response and the anxiety persists.  Im told we need to access our parasympathetic nervous system and behave as though everything is fine, this is easier said than done, often the problem with reading around subjects. The advice in books sounds simple but putting it into practice is hard.  I must have 8/9 books on Anxiety and BiPolar now and often the advice sounds so obvious.

Research has I think supported that when you ask someone not to think about something, they think about that thing,  I find that pernicious about Anxiety.  I cant kid it, it seems I cant fool it.  Though its fooling me I guess.  Rumination during anxiety seems to make the anxiety deeper, like a record groove, it stays there, stuck.   

Apologies if this comes through as a whining blog, its not meant to, I was trying to think through by writing whats going on with me at the moment.  Trying to navigate the condition.

So many tools, so frustrating progress seems the pattern ............

Tools I often try to use: -
Mindfulness
CBT
Exercise ( walking the dog )
Throwing bad thoughts away  ( writing them on paper and putting in the bin )
Visualise a positive outcome  ( easier said than done )
Counting your Blessings
Bath before Bedtime ( to help Sleep )
Serve ( help others, service aides empathy, empathy aides well being )
Write poetry ( creativity ) song lyrics

Wish there was something that helped with short term Memory

~FIN~