There is a saying that New York is the city that never sleeps and it's probably a fair saying at that. I'm 2 weeks into 3 weeks in the USA visiting my new Grandaughter with a 2 night trip to New York in the middle.
New York reminded me of Tunisia and Morocco and Sri Lanka in the sense that my anxiety was perked by the street sellers and constant offers of entertainment in some form for tips. I have a problem in that I don't like to say 'No' as I see these people as more needy than me and therefore I have come away with 2 comedy tickets I didn't even use and 3 reggae/raga CDs I didn't want. The CDs could contain anything or nothing.
I'm not moaning, just observing that the constant bombardment of this nature was another trigger for anxiety and it would have been hard to enjoy New York without exposing yourself to this, to see the buzzy areas like Times Square without walking through this melee. My mood has improved steadily whilst I have been in the USA, my son and his wife have been fantastic hosts and I have been able to trade them Grandads belly for some sleep, Grandaughter neatly sleeping on natures aged pillow.
Though with my mood which I have been asked to score improving I was thinking that I haven't been asked to score my anxiety, that has really only been evidenced back to my GP and case worker by diarising my feelings and experience alongside scoring my mood daily. As on the bipolar scale they are looking at the lows and the elation, Wellers 'ever changing moods'. Throughout this I have found that my triggers for anxiety have not been simple, oh for that to be the case, so I'm perplexed weekly when reflecting on that anxiety because ultimately it never makes sense, it never adds up, my mood is better yet there is still some degree of fragility there mentally. Soooo though I'm hopeful I'm still also nervous still about the road to recovery as I know I need to transition from some of the acute medications in order to, for instance, perform a working day.
I would really like the chance of the Psychiatrist appointment that I'm on the wait for before a return to work but I really don't know how the timings are going to work, I'm still pushing forward with talking therapy, CBT and Mindfulness and as I've said before I understand the science I can't always make it work for me though one thing that has been good recently has been a Gratefulness diary, just once a week, a really positive reflection, no shoulds or wouldst just dids and thanks for others.
This has as usual been a ramble and though I don't really understand things any better than I did 10-12 weeks ago I know I'm in a better place, the mood improvements mean though the anxiety can still be exhausting the better mood and I guess Meds/ Therapy mean that I'm moving forwards and that means continued hope amongst any confusion in my head.
Thanks for listening once again AND for those who want me to sort that Spewtum CD stuff out, I know I will soon-ish.
No comments:
Post a Comment