Suicidal Thoughts ( thoughts on thoughts )

This is going to be difficult because once I publish this then my family can read it, so I approach this BLOG with trepidation as it’s a subject that Ive only lightly touched on with all my family.
How do you talk to other folks about Suicidal Thoughts who have never experienced them before?   I told my dad last year: “When I say I’ve had a good month, it means a haven’t been consumed with thoughts on failure or even fleeting thoughts on dying.”  My Dad is straight up working class and has never struggled with his Mental Health as far as I can tell, I think it may be different for my Mum, though undiagnosed  — and it’s often hard for me to explain to them what it’s like to deal with navigating my BiPolar.   They are though always very concerned about me.

Let me be straight, Its very rare I have ‘people would be better off without me’ thoughts and I’m also a coward so Im not sure I could ever do anything about it.  I really cant get my head around self harm for instance as I just have no frame of reference at all.  I imagine that its  quite human to want to end our struggling and protect others from our struggle by absenting ourself from Life, it’s the very extreme of hiding away under the bed covers for weeks on end, just that you cannot come back from it. I know many who struggle as I do. I know many struggle greater than I do, most I imagine, some less. I know that this is first world problems & my heart hurts when I see the Injustices that other nations have and I have all the material stuff and benefits of the UK.  While I know I’m not alone in my frustration, I can feel alone even when surrounded by friends and family, that sounds counter intuitive I bet. Almost always the thoughts of Carol & the children rush my mind and save me from myself, so though I have absolutely catastrophic thoughts about professional failure I don’t have to deal with the stark reality of Suicidal thoughts very often. I think that whomever or whatever you put before yourself, is what you need to hold onto in those moments. By that I mean those you hold up as the most precious people in your life.  Allow yourself to feel everything but don’t live constantly in a Rut of your negative thoughts if you can absolutely do something to pull back from them, the quaint phrase that everyone uses is ‘This too shall pass’ and its true but in the dark moments you don’t feel that.  It may oft pass in a very painful way for you but it will pass and you have to foregive yourself at that point. Foregive yourself the awful things that you contemplated, the awful outcomes you fleetingly sought.  Passing out the other side of the dark means that you can tell people that things can & do get better ………………..

Depression is of course, tinged with feelings of great sadness, the worst though can be the numbness, the inability to get out of bed and face the world. Whether life was/is good or bad, I could be numb to it all. Again the everyone is better off without me thoughts can surface in your everyday life.    You can feel that you only have negative energy and negative thoughts.  Depression is a Liar and a Thief, It lies about your head and it steals your time.   The problem is the warped thinking can become your truth,  we have to call this imposter out in our lives  if we are to tackle what might lead us down the rabbit hole into Suicidal thoughts.  As ever all this is easier said than done.  I’ve never looked to take my own life, I’ve never planned it like others, I have thought about it,  even thinking about is a scary visceral reminder that thoughts and thinking are very powerful even when they are not facts, problem is with the small number of colleagues and friends that have acted this out I have only ever found out about their Suicidal thoughts too late, far too late, that’s not to say that you can have any Psychic thinking ( we all know that Psychics don’t exist don’t we / they are con artists so we cant have that ), what we can try to have is I guess a degree of discernment with ourselves and our friends.
This Blog post is as much a reminder and reassurance for myself as it is for anyone reading it. I’m not a mental health expert, but I do know how it feels to be in a really dark place and how challenging it can be. First of all, although it might feel like it, you are most definitely not alone, YANA, write that down somewhere and refer to it often, ‘You are Not Alone’. ALSO ‘This too Shall pass’, maybe very very painful but it will pass, there will be better days.  I know you can feel like the loneliest person out there; even when you are surrounded by loads of people, you can still feel alone and empty inside. But that’s not normally the factual, you feel it, but feelings are not facts. There are lots of people who want to help if you ask them. You need to let your family and friends love and support you through your difficult times when you are having really negative thoughts. That’s what they would want to be there for, they would not want to find out about your Suicidal thoughts too late, finding out too late for them is going to be the most painful experience in their loves if that happens.  I now have an agreement with both my Sons and my Wife that I will up front tell them when Im blue and I will Whatsapp them how Im feeling when I enter into a really Rut tyope episode, did that recently and it was actually uplifting when I could tell them that I had come out the other side.  Don’t feel like you’re a “burden” to them. Think of it like this: They would much rather help support you through a difficult time than not know about it and find stuff out when its too late, don’t let your friends contend with your absence and the feelings that they are too late, reach out if you can, please. It can be scary being honest about Suicidal thoughts, about any aspect of your Mental Health,  but it’s essential, particularly with Mental Health professionals who are aiding your navigation with medication and therapy. Friends are normally pretty hard to shock, really,  honestly, they are, you will be surprised how they will come alongside you even though your head is saying that they wont want to, friends and family just normally will be there.

Now the twee bits again:-
YANA – ‘You are Not Alone’.         ‘This too shall Pass.’               ‘The world needs you, and you are too valuable to lose.’        Work wise – ‘You are a Unique diverse part of your work force.’

Peace.